the long weekend....

so another long weekend huh? nice one...

what can i say about it?

well a couple of things mainly.

i love april. she is truly one of the bestest friends in my world. i can talk to her about anything and everything. i can be completely open and honest with her from start to finish, and she'll always support me no matter what.

i loved that i was able to confide in her about a couple of big things that have come my way in recent months, and she was very supportive of everything. she voiced her concerns about things for me to be mindful of, but apart from that, she was genuinely happy for me.

i can always rely on her for that - i'm very lucky to be able to call her my friend.

on the other hand, visiting family is still a bit of a sore point for me. nothing against them at all, but even though dad wasn't there, i still came away from it feeling the same sense of sadness and bit of emptiness in my life.

watching my sister with her family interacting with everyone, mum going through old photo albums from her wedding with my cousins - it gave me the usual feeling of "this is all stuff that i can't relate to because my life is different from theirs".

i usually feel that way when it's christmas dinner on xmas eve - everyone with their own lives and me sitting on my own, really wishing i was able to share bits of my life that i am really very proud of, yet unable to say anything in attempts to avoid potential conflicts.

i'm not going to get married, i'm not going to have kids, i don't want to get married and i don't want to have kids. i am essentially a single unit, and probably always going to operate that way, i have a single income household so things do get tough from time to time, i don't have an ambition to climb ranks to earn a gazillion dollars (though the thought is quite nice) and be able to support a whole family.

i'm just me.

i'm gay. i won't be bringing anyone home to meet the family/parentals at any stage, let along christmas. i'm always going to be the one who drives far and wide to do what i think might be best for others first before what i believe i should do for myself.

i understand that part of myself - it's entrenched in me - i take after my mum - always looking after everyone around me first, always serving up plates of dinner to everyone else and make sure they are all eating before i serve myself and hesitate to sit at the table in case there was something else i had to do. i'm not ashamed of it - i'm a servant type - it's just what i do cause it comes naturally to me.

mum and dad are going to portugal at christmas time to minimise how much leave dad has to take off work, so essentially, the family christmas isn't happening this year.

given how it usually makes me feel, i'm pretty ok about that. but at the same time it's a bit sad too cause i know it's the start of things to come as my sister moves to qld next month, and my folks will move to portugal after dad retires.....

my cousin's have offered me to come spend christmas with them, which i might do - haven't spent christmas with their family since before they originally moved back to portugal in 2003...

but who knows what the future brings. i have to construct my family myself for when the time comes that everyone is too far away from each other to maintain regular contact in person...

i do have a few people i count as part of 'my family' so far, so that's a nice start.

but regardless of all that, i really did enjoy my time away - i got to listen to all of 'goodbye gwenovere' (the radio serial), couldn't believe how it finished!

also got to do a bunch of singing, which is always nice....

and got to spend time with my best friend, love her to bits

i really love and appreciate my life.

appreciating life for what it has to offer

hmm been a few days since i've done this....

had a bit of a flat day today, but i've picked myself up a bit this afternoon so that's nice :-)

the brain is an interesting tool....

it's gotta be the strongest part of the body. it controls everything that makes up your being.

as each day passes, mine seems to want to teach me something new.

this morning, it taught me that depression is an evil thing. well, not so much taught me that today, more so reminded me that whilst i'm in a much better place than i was a couple years ago, i can't let my guard down.

sometimes when i find myself in that dark hole, i forget to remind myself that it's not that big of a hole, maybe just a pothole... so i might trip over those once in a while, but i just gotta keep picking myself back up again and dusting myself off to proceed ahead with life as normal.

what my brain did teach me, though, is that i am a lot stronger than i give myself credit for... i don't often credit myself as being that strong, and i really should, because it might mean that it will build more confidence and strength within myself.

thus, being able to front up to those potholes of depression and beat the shit out of them if they try to trip me up (hmm, visuals of someone punching a pothole looks a bit odd.... never mind!)

i have some really great friendships around me, and i have to be careful that i don't lean on some too much, i don't want to push anyone away, that would just kill me - the older i get, the harder emotional pain seems to become.....

so i need to continually remind myself of the great things i have in my life.

• great friends
• great new friends
• great friend within myself (if i let myself go and do what i want without giving myself such a hard time)
• great music (well i think it is)
• great vocal chords for singing (i also think they are lol)
• a means of transport of my own
• 2 great chooks
• a nice big area to play outside my house in, gardens etc
• wonderful neighbour (you can't pray for ones like them, it's pure luck!)
• a great appreciation of food
• a wonderful appreciation for looking out for friends and looking after them
• a desire and drive for more out of my life (and am starting to get that and enjoy every possible moment of it)
• trains running past my back fence
• a hard mattress to sleep on
• a teddy bear to share the bed with and a big concrete grizzly bear to share my kitchen/dining room with

most importantly - i have a life to live. and as one who could never imagine dying, i should just embrace it just that little bit more and live it to the fullest. i am a very lucky boy.

and i thank myself for being who i am - cause there sure as hell ain't gonna be anyone else like me, i learned that from a young age.....

take me as i am, but i must remember to also take myself as i am, cause then i should be able to enjoy this journey even more...

speaking of which, i feel like a journey to the takeaway shop for dinner :)

then it's time to pack a bag and throw it into the truck for the road trip to canberra town tomorrow :-)

whoever gets to read this - thank you for listening, i love you for it.