nice weather today!

today is sunday.

it's 6 days until my birthday/grand final day.

sydney vs hawthorn - another week long stressful time for me no doubt lol be nice for sydney to win the flag this year as a special birthday treat for myself...

today was a slow day... sorted out the slow cooker for dinner about 9am this morning, so it's almost ready - threw in a cup of frozen peas and beans for the last half hour... and rice is currently cooking away in the microwave - 2 cups this time so there'll be plenty leftover for the leftover beef and mushroom ragout thing to put in the freezer...

the beef cubes was what i bought from the meat barn in warrnambool a few weeks ago and damn you can really tell the difference in quality from what you get at the supermarket - nowhere near as red in colour to start with!

and i don't think i'm gonna brown the meat before throwing it in the slow cooker any more either cause it just makes it tough afterwards, i just played with a bit of the beef in there just now and it was crumbling beautifully, so it'll be nice and soft and tender :-)

i remember after i broke up with my ex 2 years ago, the first sorta 'date' thing i had was with a bloke from warburton - he came over and i made slow cooker beef stroganoff - i'll never forget that night - the beef was PERFECTLY cooked, and tasted fantastic.

the company was lovely, he was a gamer - a boardgamer - i quite enjoy board games - we played this one called pandemic (i think) - was really interesting, i enjoyed it, especially when he told me it's better with more than 2 players cause it's difficult to win the game otherwise - and low and behold, we won the game between the both of us lol

so i found mail in my letterbox today lol i'm hoping it was just overlooked from friday, and not from the street with the same name in ballan but "street" instead of "court" - bloody useless council...

i got a few bank statements and a freebie gift i scored online from recon - little plastic wallet thingo with their logo on it and a condom in their brand of card sleeve that fit into the wallet - i think they are promoting the safer side of life i guess lol ah well, nice to get something for nothing and delivered to the letter box for a bit of excitement :-)

house is tidy, bills are paid, chooks are in order (still no eggs, bugger), bank statements reconciled, ironing complete

spent a couple hours around lunch time today on my bed watching some family guy then had a snooze for about an hour or so... then sat out in the backyard on the shed slab looking through the mail and absorbing the sunshine

i sorta felt a bit bored at times though... it's times like these, that i've probably bloggered about already in the past, that i think it might be nice to have a boyfriend to spend the time with - but that's then the exact reason (that hits me 3 seconds later) why i shouldn't be in a relationship - it would end up just being a 'fill in' position until i got sick of em and then want to break it off - bit like other bf's i've had in the past really....

what i really need, is to spend more time with friends

i had a lovely night out on friday in werribee for dinner (mexican, yummo! gimme chilli baby!) catching up with jon, grant, peter and their friend (who i can't remember what her name is at the moment, but she was very lovely) - i did start to freak out a little bit at one point when the restaurant was pretty much at capacity and got quite loud, but then i just remembered the help that Jyan gave me a few weeks ago with just taking a step back, taking a few deeps breaths and just focusing on enjoying the time with people i knew and enjoying the food.

peter is big on russ harris, so we had a great chat about him and the mechanisms he promotes with mindfulness and focusing on your life right now, to help with stressing less about what's out of our control. i should try and get a copy of his book again, or at least listen to the cd of his just to get my mind back on track again...

last night i had a great catch up with my good mate james - had a great time at the steakhouse, delicious food as always, and top service (also, as always) - love that place...... chatted about our respective recent trips to europe as we hadn't seen each other for months and months.... was nice to reflect on the good times i had over there and appreciate the experiences i had... no anxiety worries last night which was nice, i guess i'm used to going there and love talking about anything with james, he really makes me feel like i can talk about anything at all and he's always gonna be on my side... he helped me out lots last year when i was in my very very dark places, he would always give me a good hug and i know he shed a few tears for me at times too cause he could see how hard i was trying to make things work for myself but just felt bad that my wheels would just spin in the mud..... he's a good guy and has a lovely partner - they make a great couple and i love em heaps

so back to work tomorrow... i was getting a bit ahead of myself yesterday thinking "oh golly tomorrow is sunday then work on monday already" but i snapped myself out of it and just thought to myself "just deal with work when monday turns up, you're barely half way through the weekend yet!"

so 3 x 12 hour days is my target and then thursday off to centrelink for a catch up, hopefully the first and last for this time around, and then the weekend to catch up with friends, celebrate birthday and hopefully watch the swannies bring the flag home to sydney/south melbourne

go bloods!

everything's alright.....

i'm stuffed!

but i was able to put in an invoice for about 37 hours work this week.... that's gonna be a great big helper when it hits my bank account!

i'm already a bit excited just at the prospect of the bills i can pay LOL how sad is that?! :-)

telstra, council rates, gas, credit card and some income tax..... they're all gonna get money thrown at them! hey maybe even mr citylink might get some cash too so i don't keep hearing 50 beeps when i drive under a toll gate lol

i'm going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning... been a couple of months i think..... maybe about 6 weeks, since i've seen him last.... he's a lovely gentleman - especially for an indian bloke - he gives me warm and fuzzies just listening to him talk to me...

but i won't be pushing to get off my meds completely just yet... i'm still learning to deal with some things on the current dosage and i think if i jump off them at the moment i might go off the rails a bit...

especially not until things are a bit more under control in the financial dept... i think i can still continue my goal of getting off them by the end of the year - even if it means making an appointment on 31st december with my psychiatrist and being told that i can get off them that day - my goal would be achieved!

i've had a couple of stumbling blocks this week with my mindset, yesterday was a worry driving home, i just couldn't get out of the habit of shouting at other drivers in frustration... even talking to myself and telling myself to calm the fuck down and it's not worth it.... it didn't work...

then there was a bit of the ol' heart palpitations when i was at home, just getting worked up over nothing.....

i just keep thanking my stars that i have great people in my life who look out for me and try to help me out, just cause they care. at times when things get dark and i'm losing the grip on things, they are the ones i think of to make me smile again

even now as i'm typing, for a few minutes i was very very nervy and a bit anxious, to the point that i really didn't know whether it was anxiousness or just feeling a chill - but so long as i remember to take some deep breaths and remember that everything's ok and i'm safe at home, i calm down again...

hmm, maybe it really is the cold lol

was thinking about lighting the fire tonight, but i haven't got decent chunks to throw in to burn it for a while, just shitty bits of pine, so i'll leave it be, i don't want to wreck the flue kit.....

5.18pm and i've already had dinner and tidied up!

my eyes are a bit sore so i reckon it'll end up being an early night tonight - it was incredibly difficult to get up this morning, i really felt like i had 50kg weights in my arms and legs.....

but i got up, and pushed on, and i got through it, and earned myself a good early mark, and now it's the weekend.

so let the weekend begin!

trustworthiness.......

yes it may seem like i am whinging again, but that's what this blog is for - to extract what is in my brain and put it somewhere so i can sleep at night without holding onto the crap in my head...

i'm feeling a bit let down.

sorta not bothered by it at the same time... i guess that's why i'm feeling a bit *blah* right now...

i spoke with my mate this afternoon on the way home from work, i have hands free blueteeth in my truck so i wasn't doing anything victorianly illegal hehehe

i tried to call him earlier this afternoon to find out whether he still needed me to help him out tomorrow... he didn't answer so i just sent him a text message...

he called back and i discussed that i was aware that my new boss had been to visit him to discuss that i was going to be starting work with the new boss today, so wasn't sure if i was still needed to help out tomorrow with glass deliveries again like i did last thursday...

response = "no thank you, all the best to you!" in a very flat tone... i said i'd forward an invoice for the work i did last week and the reply was also quite short...

i guess i'm annoyed, i think i realise that he really doesn't trust me.

there's a bit of history with the old job and the new job, and i reckon my 'mate' is worried that i'm gonna reveal all his secrets to where i work now and that'll be his downfall... he's always worried that competitors are out to get him in some form...

it's not my problem - that he doesn't trust anyone.....

i don't have to deal with it any more though, so i think i'm also a bit relieved.

i would never intentionally try to harm anyone's attempts at making a life for themselves.

i would hope that others would also be the same towards me, but everyone is different.

i'm not a bad person, i've done nothing wrong.

i'm simply taking advantage of the opportunities brought to my attention, in an attempt to make life better for myself, cause no one else can do it for me. it's no one else's responsibility, really.

i just wanted to take the time to tap out the above so it will hopefully help me move forward and progress with this new position and do the best that i can for my new boss.

that's all.

sunday thoughts and feelings.......

sitting on the couch waiting for the last load of washing to finish up...

been a great day so far - the fact that i got to mow my lawns at LAST was enough of greatness :-) nothing can pull me down from here :-)

it was damn hard work, but it always is when it's the first for the season, and when you're not used to the lawn mower hehehe gav bear lent me his mower last night so i could attack it since my 2 mowers are rendered useless for the time being...

so it was a 3 hour session today, and the catch on the mower didn't catch as much as what i'm used to, but that's fine cause it meant i only emptied it out half a dozen times, as compared to the usual 12-15 times with my mower lol

i love fresh cut grass. the smell. the look. pride in one's home and garden.

so i'll fire up the bbq for dinner tonight, took out some chook fillety bits and a couple of snags, just shoved some instand soy bbq marinade on them all just to give it a bit of excitement....

i had a lovely evening with david last night who came up to visit for dinner.... went to the commercial hotel, for the first time - boy the bar was fairly rough around the edges (the crowd was anyway lol)

went next door to the bistro, the menu is fairly simple and short.... as compared to hudson's at the roundabout which has a bit more variety to choose from.... guess i'm just used to hudson's having been there quite a few times, nice food and great service, not usually as rowdy as the commercial was.....

so i struck it lucky at the bistro... my meal and entree was about 24 bucks and after paying with 40 cash, she ended up giving me about 38 bucks change LOL no idea how that worked but i only really thought about it later after dinner lol i know i should've said something, but i just felt it was a bit of luck for me for a change :-)

came back home afterwards then david went outside for a smoke and i joined him and we ended up just staring into the night sky for about 15 minutes, he was trying to find a couple of constellations, and i was just amazed at the beauty of the stars. i said it was almost like looking up at a ceiling that had little lights all over it - when you've been staring upwards at it for that long, it certainly made it feel that way...

i do forget to just look up sometimes... but there have been a few times late at night when i've gotten home from somewhere, work or the laird or something like that, and i've noticed the sky being completely clear of clouds, so i go park the truck and then just wander out into the backyard and sit and look up for a while admiring nature's light show..... one of the advantages of living a bit further out in the sticks i guess!

one day i'll remember and suck it up and setup the little telescope thing i have and start a bit of exploration for something different.... no shed on the slab yet (after almost 3 and a half years lol) so it's a perfect spot to have the scope setup on a good firm surface.....

start the new job tomorrow. as usual with any new job i've had, i'm not excited, i'm just ready for it.

hmmm my feet are a bit sore, along with most parts of my body lol, but it would be nice to have a foot rub right about now :-) ah never mind lol

i'd just settle for the pain in the right joint of my jaw to disappear completely!

relief at last!

i secured a new job today. thank god!

what today means to me:

• i shouldn't have to ask for financial help from my parents any more
• i can afford to pay my mortgage and bills
• i don't have to think about selling my home
• i don't have to worry about dad pressuring me to sell my home to move in with them again or move to portugal
• i can do regular grocery shopping
• i can pay off my credit card
• i have flexibility to still have days off as required to deal with psychiatric appointments
• i will have the flexibility to work the hours that suit me - i.e. work 3x12 hour days each week if i want
• i can think about giving my poor truck a decent service
• i can get the lawn mowers fixed!
• i can thence cut the grass!!
• i can pay rates
• i can pay bills
• i can buy fruit and veg regularly to have my nutribullet everyday!
• i can be free of the pressure i placed on myself constantly to make ends meet each week

most of all - i got what i believe i deserved.

the last 2 and a half years have been tough, really tough, but as earlier bloggered, i fight the good fight.

i fought damn hard to do whatever i could to keep my home, my chooks, my space, my sanity, my psychological stability.

i think i finally, finally have the pay off coming to me now.

i've been praying for this for so long.

let it be now. i deserve this. i deserve to be free of the pain of instability.

i worked damn, damn hard.

and now i finally have been given the opportunity i deserve to make my life better for myself once again.

i could almost cry from the relief i am feeling right now.

it got to a stage, fairly often, that i wondered what the hell i was doing and whether it was worth the pressure, the pain, the hard work and the little return. whether i should've just given up long ago.

i got my answer today: it was worth it. and no i should never give up.

may the future begin on monday and bring me the riches of self-sustainability. i believe i've earned the right.

i rock........!

today i was reminded why i rock, once again.

firstly, i am surrounded by great people who try to do their best to help me when i need it the most.

secondly, i got a set of shop drawings pretty much completed, barring a few details for the balustrade and confirming some glass types and sizes etc...

thirdly, i am tough. tougher than i would normally give myself credit for.

i've been remembering how tough you need to be to work in the construction industry in victoria (i can't speak for other states as to whether they are as corrupt as victoria or not).....

there's gangs, mafia, bikie gangs, corruption, psychotics, bullying - you name it - it's got it.

and then i remember one christmas time a couple years ago when i had been waiting about 3-4 months for payment of some work i did that year... and how the money owed to me would really make a big difference at that time (given my rego is due december 19th for a start lol).....

i parked across a driveway to the entrance of a factory so no one could get in or out with a vehicle, which meant no deliveries to the factory, and nothing leaving the factory to goto site...

i went upstairs to the offices and sat in the boss' chair and casually waited for him to arrive.....

it had been made known to me by someone else that this particular person could've afforded to pay me what he owed me if he wasn't busy throwing money at one of his mate's..... so that was my ace of spades that i hoped i would not have to use....

he arrived, i was waiting, he's a bit larger than me, and normally the temperament of a teddy, but obviously that wasn't going to last long lol

i asked for my money, he refused, went around in circles for a while, then i had to play my card that i knew he could afford to pay me.... he was not happy that i knew....

shouting and swearing ensued.... i had to dig my feet in or i'd never win it..... threats of police involvement towards me, threats to my safety etc.....

and then it led on to a bit of a physical altercation (i think the correct term is lol), almost came to punches, but i was concerned about damaging my face after all the money i pumped into getting it fixed in the first place...... so i turned my head away for the most part....

and then he had a good hold of me and started shoving me towards the door at the top of a staircase.... if it wasn't for one of the factory guys bolting up the stairs to break us up, i reckon i would've been in for a trip down the stairs, head first.....

so i went downstairs and moved my truck after further threats of calling police, and then i stood at the front door and said i wasn't leaving until i got paid..... while i was waiting, i was talking to the receptionist.... i apologised to her for what she saw upstairs.... i said to her that i figured he would be used to someone turning up demanding money given how many calls we used to get with threats of breaking legs for this guy not paying suppliers.....

then she said to me "allan, so many make those threats, but you're actually the first one that's turned up here and done it in person!" - so i felt a bit special lol

about half hour later, he came downstairs with a printed remittance of 90% payment of what i was owed..... 2 grand was better than getting into another scuffle.... we chatted and apologised to each other for what happened - he said "must've worked though cause you got your money"

and he was right.

i won my battle.

i took on the 'man' and i got what i deserved...

so it's times like that which remind me how strong i can be when i have to stick up for myself.

*waves fist in the air* don't cross me or else!!

nah seriously, i hope i never have to do anything like that ever again... but at least i know, that if it comes down to it, i can fight the good fight and win it as well.

and that's just another reason why i rock! :-)

thar she blows!

today's been a pretty windy day... once again i sit here at home wondering whether something is going to fly horizontally through my windows or if the fence will come down... i worry about these things because they have either happened, or have come close to happening.....

i think it was about 2 years ago when one section of the colorbond side fence came crashing down... i was cooking something for dinner at the time and the blinds were down and i heard this almighty calamity of crashing outside my window - wow that was something to shit my pants over.... almost....! opened the kitchen blind and there in front of me was a gaping hole in the fence looking directly into the neighbour's front yard!

so i rang sharon, and when she answered, i proceeded to confuse her a little bit "hey you know how we always talk about how we should've made an access door so it's quicker to visit each other and share food etc? well take a look out front cause we got what we wished for!"

another time late one night, the idiots who were building across the road had contractors that obviously didn't know how to keep things secure on site.... so about 4.30am or so this particular morning, i could hear something wobbling and scraping around in the street, so i leapt up out of bed and went straight to the window and peered behind the blind - there were sheets of tin, or something, that were being blown across the road and, with thanks to the strong northerlies, were headed straight for my front yard..... i stayed awake for a good half hour just watching these things head towards me just in case they came close enough to hit my house, or worse still, fly through my bedroom window to slice me in half, or more pieces! well it wasn't quite as dramatic as that, but at 4.30am in the morning and half asleep, it was quite an event! hehehe

so the wind continues to blow, something outside is sounding like it's trying to dislodge itself to go for a short flight into the backyard, and the flue from the wood fire sounds like it also wants to make with the crazies of the windy weather..... but i'm sure everything will be ok...

meanwhile, had some crazy town dreams last night, well crazy enough to wake me up with a bit of the old heart palpitations making a return visit!

for some 'security' measure, the neighbour had installed a rather huge/large statue of a dog, almost dingo-like in looks, just behind the side gate on my side of their house... it was a bit of a shock to look outside my kitchen window and see this, almost 4 metre tall, structure staring directly at me!

perhaps it was just some sort of reference to who i am, and am becoming?! who knows...

and then! i went into my ensuite and turned on the 4 heat lamps and 3 blew out.... then i turned out the exhaust fan thing but i turned it off again, though the fan continued to operate..... i don't know why it was freaking me out (in the dream), but i had a friend come over to check it out and they were just as freaked by it......

bloody dreams..... lol

i've not worn my apnea splint in a few days so maybe that's it, and it's certainly caused me to pass out to sleep on the couch today so i should wear it tonight to try and straighten things out...

meanwhile, brent called me this morning and offered me some work, couple of sets of shop drawings, to work on at home, so that was nice and will help to earn a little bit of extra money whilst i continue my search for full time employment again!

expansion of my horizons......

nice to be in the safety and comfort of my home once again...

it's been a very interesting couple of days out and about around town...

learning new things, experiencing new things, meeting new people, it was a bit overwhelming.... to the point of having an anxiety attack..... but i digress....

the thought of clown shoes and high heels, or high heeled clown shoes, never made me laugh quite as much.... but again i digress with another highlight of the last couple of days lol

even at my age, 3 weeks shy of 31, it's nice to feel as though i can learn something new and feel like i am growing. i love to learn, my brain gets a great big kick out of it and that's a wonderful feeling.

i've accepted the opportunity to be a pup, and i'm a bit excited at the thought of what i can learn and as to how much more it will benefit my everyday life, it's all in the aid of helping me be more of who i am, and learning to live inside my own skin and not care about what might be crossing the minds of others.

putting on a pup hood and getting pictures taken alongside the yarra river in full view of the city skyline late at night was awesome. being taught that people are not going to look at you oddly, as i might normally think they would, was comforting.

it's helping to disperse this great fear of strangers i still have after being verbally abused by a complete stranger in sims supermarket in werribee during my recovery time after my operation, whilst waiting in line with my trolley of shopping, and alone.

i went to a spa/sauna thingo on friday night - another great challenge i accepted... wow... i think i was very much pushing myself to a limit there, building of strangers, some stranger than others, wearing nothing but a towel, if at all..... avoiding eye contact like no tomorrow just in case someone either tried to jump me, or have a go at me.... not wearing glasses always helps cause it means most people's faces are just blurred anyway.... but i quite enjoying going between the pool and the spa whilst watching the big geelong/hawthorn match, so it wasn't all scary (apart from the resulting score of the match lol)

the next day i hit a point where i felt like i could've started to cry a bit, little bit out of anxiety of the overwhelmingness (if that's a word) of what i've achieved and experienced in a short time, but more so out of pride of looking backwards at my life over the best part of almost 11 years since moving out of home, so that was nice.

i've still got a ways to go - but has anyone really achieved fulfilment in their life and quit trying (apart from port adelaide's club song?) ?

i need a job, and i need a stable income, but i realise it will turn up in due course. until then i just gotta keep focussed on the bigger picture and remember the good times i am having cause there's no point stressing about what i haven't got and what might be possibly going on in other people's lives when i'm not around.

it's still hard to do, but i've got good people around me, and a few new great ones to add to my collection of people, who will help me out if they can.

this is me, and i'm happy about that.

i don't want to sell my house...

can someone just call me and offer me a good paying job now?

it doesn't really take all that long for job hunting to become a depressing experience.

dad called me last night cause mum told him i was starting to look for another job... he said that they would be happy to help me financially with everyday living expenses, but not really able to help with paying the mortgage. that's fair enough.

and then he started again with suggesting i should sell up from here and move back in to their place and do some courses/qual's in something i want to do....

selling up and moving back in with my parents isn't exactly going to spell out what the magically thing is that i actually want to do...

if i sell my home, then that's it, i would class that as 'giving up', admitting defeat, whatever negative connotation there could be, i would be thinking and feeling it.

all well and good for him to also advise that there are plenty of jobs in qld and n.t. but i don't think i could manage living in a warm/hot/humid climate all year round. i love the cold weather too much...

at least he didn't try to convince me to move to portugal... not yet anyway.....

i know he's just trying to help. but having that conversation really pushed me close to having an anxiety attack over the stress of everything.... i managed to steer clear of it though, thankfully.

i couldn't possibly live with my parents for longer than a week cause i would then have the feeling that i've given up on a whole half of my life, and would feel the same as if i had someone move in and rent the other room again... i just can't handle living with people....

i love my home... i don't want to sell it. i may not have the choice if i leave it longer... it's just all a bit too confusing thinking about all these things...

i just want stability. it's all i ever wanted. and a hug once in a while.

i would have applied for close to 20 jobs now in the last couple of days, 1 of them surely must be thinking about hiring me to do something...

*sigh*