the long weekend....

so another long weekend huh? nice one...

what can i say about it?

well a couple of things mainly.

i love april. she is truly one of the bestest friends in my world. i can talk to her about anything and everything. i can be completely open and honest with her from start to finish, and she'll always support me no matter what.

i loved that i was able to confide in her about a couple of big things that have come my way in recent months, and she was very supportive of everything. she voiced her concerns about things for me to be mindful of, but apart from that, she was genuinely happy for me.

i can always rely on her for that - i'm very lucky to be able to call her my friend.

on the other hand, visiting family is still a bit of a sore point for me. nothing against them at all, but even though dad wasn't there, i still came away from it feeling the same sense of sadness and bit of emptiness in my life.

watching my sister with her family interacting with everyone, mum going through old photo albums from her wedding with my cousins - it gave me the usual feeling of "this is all stuff that i can't relate to because my life is different from theirs".

i usually feel that way when it's christmas dinner on xmas eve - everyone with their own lives and me sitting on my own, really wishing i was able to share bits of my life that i am really very proud of, yet unable to say anything in attempts to avoid potential conflicts.

i'm not going to get married, i'm not going to have kids, i don't want to get married and i don't want to have kids. i am essentially a single unit, and probably always going to operate that way, i have a single income household so things do get tough from time to time, i don't have an ambition to climb ranks to earn a gazillion dollars (though the thought is quite nice) and be able to support a whole family.

i'm just me.

i'm gay. i won't be bringing anyone home to meet the family/parentals at any stage, let along christmas. i'm always going to be the one who drives far and wide to do what i think might be best for others first before what i believe i should do for myself.

i understand that part of myself - it's entrenched in me - i take after my mum - always looking after everyone around me first, always serving up plates of dinner to everyone else and make sure they are all eating before i serve myself and hesitate to sit at the table in case there was something else i had to do. i'm not ashamed of it - i'm a servant type - it's just what i do cause it comes naturally to me.

mum and dad are going to portugal at christmas time to minimise how much leave dad has to take off work, so essentially, the family christmas isn't happening this year.

given how it usually makes me feel, i'm pretty ok about that. but at the same time it's a bit sad too cause i know it's the start of things to come as my sister moves to qld next month, and my folks will move to portugal after dad retires.....

my cousin's have offered me to come spend christmas with them, which i might do - haven't spent christmas with their family since before they originally moved back to portugal in 2003...

but who knows what the future brings. i have to construct my family myself for when the time comes that everyone is too far away from each other to maintain regular contact in person...

i do have a few people i count as part of 'my family' so far, so that's a nice start.

but regardless of all that, i really did enjoy my time away - i got to listen to all of 'goodbye gwenovere' (the radio serial), couldn't believe how it finished!

also got to do a bunch of singing, which is always nice....

and got to spend time with my best friend, love her to bits

i really love and appreciate my life.

appreciating life for what it has to offer

hmm been a few days since i've done this....

had a bit of a flat day today, but i've picked myself up a bit this afternoon so that's nice :-)

the brain is an interesting tool....

it's gotta be the strongest part of the body. it controls everything that makes up your being.

as each day passes, mine seems to want to teach me something new.

this morning, it taught me that depression is an evil thing. well, not so much taught me that today, more so reminded me that whilst i'm in a much better place than i was a couple years ago, i can't let my guard down.

sometimes when i find myself in that dark hole, i forget to remind myself that it's not that big of a hole, maybe just a pothole... so i might trip over those once in a while, but i just gotta keep picking myself back up again and dusting myself off to proceed ahead with life as normal.

what my brain did teach me, though, is that i am a lot stronger than i give myself credit for... i don't often credit myself as being that strong, and i really should, because it might mean that it will build more confidence and strength within myself.

thus, being able to front up to those potholes of depression and beat the shit out of them if they try to trip me up (hmm, visuals of someone punching a pothole looks a bit odd.... never mind!)

i have some really great friendships around me, and i have to be careful that i don't lean on some too much, i don't want to push anyone away, that would just kill me - the older i get, the harder emotional pain seems to become.....

so i need to continually remind myself of the great things i have in my life.

• great friends
• great new friends
• great friend within myself (if i let myself go and do what i want without giving myself such a hard time)
• great music (well i think it is)
• great vocal chords for singing (i also think they are lol)
• a means of transport of my own
• 2 great chooks
• a nice big area to play outside my house in, gardens etc
• wonderful neighbour (you can't pray for ones like them, it's pure luck!)
• a great appreciation of food
• a wonderful appreciation for looking out for friends and looking after them
• a desire and drive for more out of my life (and am starting to get that and enjoy every possible moment of it)
• trains running past my back fence
• a hard mattress to sleep on
• a teddy bear to share the bed with and a big concrete grizzly bear to share my kitchen/dining room with

most importantly - i have a life to live. and as one who could never imagine dying, i should just embrace it just that little bit more and live it to the fullest. i am a very lucky boy.

and i thank myself for being who i am - cause there sure as hell ain't gonna be anyone else like me, i learned that from a young age.....

take me as i am, but i must remember to also take myself as i am, cause then i should be able to enjoy this journey even more...

speaking of which, i feel like a journey to the takeaway shop for dinner :)

then it's time to pack a bag and throw it into the truck for the road trip to canberra town tomorrow :-)

whoever gets to read this - thank you for listening, i love you for it.

nice weather today!

today is sunday.

it's 6 days until my birthday/grand final day.

sydney vs hawthorn - another week long stressful time for me no doubt lol be nice for sydney to win the flag this year as a special birthday treat for myself...

today was a slow day... sorted out the slow cooker for dinner about 9am this morning, so it's almost ready - threw in a cup of frozen peas and beans for the last half hour... and rice is currently cooking away in the microwave - 2 cups this time so there'll be plenty leftover for the leftover beef and mushroom ragout thing to put in the freezer...

the beef cubes was what i bought from the meat barn in warrnambool a few weeks ago and damn you can really tell the difference in quality from what you get at the supermarket - nowhere near as red in colour to start with!

and i don't think i'm gonna brown the meat before throwing it in the slow cooker any more either cause it just makes it tough afterwards, i just played with a bit of the beef in there just now and it was crumbling beautifully, so it'll be nice and soft and tender :-)

i remember after i broke up with my ex 2 years ago, the first sorta 'date' thing i had was with a bloke from warburton - he came over and i made slow cooker beef stroganoff - i'll never forget that night - the beef was PERFECTLY cooked, and tasted fantastic.

the company was lovely, he was a gamer - a boardgamer - i quite enjoy board games - we played this one called pandemic (i think) - was really interesting, i enjoyed it, especially when he told me it's better with more than 2 players cause it's difficult to win the game otherwise - and low and behold, we won the game between the both of us lol

so i found mail in my letterbox today lol i'm hoping it was just overlooked from friday, and not from the street with the same name in ballan but "street" instead of "court" - bloody useless council...

i got a few bank statements and a freebie gift i scored online from recon - little plastic wallet thingo with their logo on it and a condom in their brand of card sleeve that fit into the wallet - i think they are promoting the safer side of life i guess lol ah well, nice to get something for nothing and delivered to the letter box for a bit of excitement :-)

house is tidy, bills are paid, chooks are in order (still no eggs, bugger), bank statements reconciled, ironing complete

spent a couple hours around lunch time today on my bed watching some family guy then had a snooze for about an hour or so... then sat out in the backyard on the shed slab looking through the mail and absorbing the sunshine

i sorta felt a bit bored at times though... it's times like these, that i've probably bloggered about already in the past, that i think it might be nice to have a boyfriend to spend the time with - but that's then the exact reason (that hits me 3 seconds later) why i shouldn't be in a relationship - it would end up just being a 'fill in' position until i got sick of em and then want to break it off - bit like other bf's i've had in the past really....

what i really need, is to spend more time with friends

i had a lovely night out on friday in werribee for dinner (mexican, yummo! gimme chilli baby!) catching up with jon, grant, peter and their friend (who i can't remember what her name is at the moment, but she was very lovely) - i did start to freak out a little bit at one point when the restaurant was pretty much at capacity and got quite loud, but then i just remembered the help that Jyan gave me a few weeks ago with just taking a step back, taking a few deeps breaths and just focusing on enjoying the time with people i knew and enjoying the food.

peter is big on russ harris, so we had a great chat about him and the mechanisms he promotes with mindfulness and focusing on your life right now, to help with stressing less about what's out of our control. i should try and get a copy of his book again, or at least listen to the cd of his just to get my mind back on track again...

last night i had a great catch up with my good mate james - had a great time at the steakhouse, delicious food as always, and top service (also, as always) - love that place...... chatted about our respective recent trips to europe as we hadn't seen each other for months and months.... was nice to reflect on the good times i had over there and appreciate the experiences i had... no anxiety worries last night which was nice, i guess i'm used to going there and love talking about anything with james, he really makes me feel like i can talk about anything at all and he's always gonna be on my side... he helped me out lots last year when i was in my very very dark places, he would always give me a good hug and i know he shed a few tears for me at times too cause he could see how hard i was trying to make things work for myself but just felt bad that my wheels would just spin in the mud..... he's a good guy and has a lovely partner - they make a great couple and i love em heaps

so back to work tomorrow... i was getting a bit ahead of myself yesterday thinking "oh golly tomorrow is sunday then work on monday already" but i snapped myself out of it and just thought to myself "just deal with work when monday turns up, you're barely half way through the weekend yet!"

so 3 x 12 hour days is my target and then thursday off to centrelink for a catch up, hopefully the first and last for this time around, and then the weekend to catch up with friends, celebrate birthday and hopefully watch the swannies bring the flag home to sydney/south melbourne

go bloods!

everything's alright.....

i'm stuffed!

but i was able to put in an invoice for about 37 hours work this week.... that's gonna be a great big helper when it hits my bank account!

i'm already a bit excited just at the prospect of the bills i can pay LOL how sad is that?! :-)

telstra, council rates, gas, credit card and some income tax..... they're all gonna get money thrown at them! hey maybe even mr citylink might get some cash too so i don't keep hearing 50 beeps when i drive under a toll gate lol

i'm going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning... been a couple of months i think..... maybe about 6 weeks, since i've seen him last.... he's a lovely gentleman - especially for an indian bloke - he gives me warm and fuzzies just listening to him talk to me...

but i won't be pushing to get off my meds completely just yet... i'm still learning to deal with some things on the current dosage and i think if i jump off them at the moment i might go off the rails a bit...

especially not until things are a bit more under control in the financial dept... i think i can still continue my goal of getting off them by the end of the year - even if it means making an appointment on 31st december with my psychiatrist and being told that i can get off them that day - my goal would be achieved!

i've had a couple of stumbling blocks this week with my mindset, yesterday was a worry driving home, i just couldn't get out of the habit of shouting at other drivers in frustration... even talking to myself and telling myself to calm the fuck down and it's not worth it.... it didn't work...

then there was a bit of the ol' heart palpitations when i was at home, just getting worked up over nothing.....

i just keep thanking my stars that i have great people in my life who look out for me and try to help me out, just cause they care. at times when things get dark and i'm losing the grip on things, they are the ones i think of to make me smile again

even now as i'm typing, for a few minutes i was very very nervy and a bit anxious, to the point that i really didn't know whether it was anxiousness or just feeling a chill - but so long as i remember to take some deep breaths and remember that everything's ok and i'm safe at home, i calm down again...

hmm, maybe it really is the cold lol

was thinking about lighting the fire tonight, but i haven't got decent chunks to throw in to burn it for a while, just shitty bits of pine, so i'll leave it be, i don't want to wreck the flue kit.....

5.18pm and i've already had dinner and tidied up!

my eyes are a bit sore so i reckon it'll end up being an early night tonight - it was incredibly difficult to get up this morning, i really felt like i had 50kg weights in my arms and legs.....

but i got up, and pushed on, and i got through it, and earned myself a good early mark, and now it's the weekend.

so let the weekend begin!

trustworthiness.......

yes it may seem like i am whinging again, but that's what this blog is for - to extract what is in my brain and put it somewhere so i can sleep at night without holding onto the crap in my head...

i'm feeling a bit let down.

sorta not bothered by it at the same time... i guess that's why i'm feeling a bit *blah* right now...

i spoke with my mate this afternoon on the way home from work, i have hands free blueteeth in my truck so i wasn't doing anything victorianly illegal hehehe

i tried to call him earlier this afternoon to find out whether he still needed me to help him out tomorrow... he didn't answer so i just sent him a text message...

he called back and i discussed that i was aware that my new boss had been to visit him to discuss that i was going to be starting work with the new boss today, so wasn't sure if i was still needed to help out tomorrow with glass deliveries again like i did last thursday...

response = "no thank you, all the best to you!" in a very flat tone... i said i'd forward an invoice for the work i did last week and the reply was also quite short...

i guess i'm annoyed, i think i realise that he really doesn't trust me.

there's a bit of history with the old job and the new job, and i reckon my 'mate' is worried that i'm gonna reveal all his secrets to where i work now and that'll be his downfall... he's always worried that competitors are out to get him in some form...

it's not my problem - that he doesn't trust anyone.....

i don't have to deal with it any more though, so i think i'm also a bit relieved.

i would never intentionally try to harm anyone's attempts at making a life for themselves.

i would hope that others would also be the same towards me, but everyone is different.

i'm not a bad person, i've done nothing wrong.

i'm simply taking advantage of the opportunities brought to my attention, in an attempt to make life better for myself, cause no one else can do it for me. it's no one else's responsibility, really.

i just wanted to take the time to tap out the above so it will hopefully help me move forward and progress with this new position and do the best that i can for my new boss.

that's all.

sunday thoughts and feelings.......

sitting on the couch waiting for the last load of washing to finish up...

been a great day so far - the fact that i got to mow my lawns at LAST was enough of greatness :-) nothing can pull me down from here :-)

it was damn hard work, but it always is when it's the first for the season, and when you're not used to the lawn mower hehehe gav bear lent me his mower last night so i could attack it since my 2 mowers are rendered useless for the time being...

so it was a 3 hour session today, and the catch on the mower didn't catch as much as what i'm used to, but that's fine cause it meant i only emptied it out half a dozen times, as compared to the usual 12-15 times with my mower lol

i love fresh cut grass. the smell. the look. pride in one's home and garden.

so i'll fire up the bbq for dinner tonight, took out some chook fillety bits and a couple of snags, just shoved some instand soy bbq marinade on them all just to give it a bit of excitement....

i had a lovely evening with david last night who came up to visit for dinner.... went to the commercial hotel, for the first time - boy the bar was fairly rough around the edges (the crowd was anyway lol)

went next door to the bistro, the menu is fairly simple and short.... as compared to hudson's at the roundabout which has a bit more variety to choose from.... guess i'm just used to hudson's having been there quite a few times, nice food and great service, not usually as rowdy as the commercial was.....

so i struck it lucky at the bistro... my meal and entree was about 24 bucks and after paying with 40 cash, she ended up giving me about 38 bucks change LOL no idea how that worked but i only really thought about it later after dinner lol i know i should've said something, but i just felt it was a bit of luck for me for a change :-)

came back home afterwards then david went outside for a smoke and i joined him and we ended up just staring into the night sky for about 15 minutes, he was trying to find a couple of constellations, and i was just amazed at the beauty of the stars. i said it was almost like looking up at a ceiling that had little lights all over it - when you've been staring upwards at it for that long, it certainly made it feel that way...

i do forget to just look up sometimes... but there have been a few times late at night when i've gotten home from somewhere, work or the laird or something like that, and i've noticed the sky being completely clear of clouds, so i go park the truck and then just wander out into the backyard and sit and look up for a while admiring nature's light show..... one of the advantages of living a bit further out in the sticks i guess!

one day i'll remember and suck it up and setup the little telescope thing i have and start a bit of exploration for something different.... no shed on the slab yet (after almost 3 and a half years lol) so it's a perfect spot to have the scope setup on a good firm surface.....

start the new job tomorrow. as usual with any new job i've had, i'm not excited, i'm just ready for it.

hmmm my feet are a bit sore, along with most parts of my body lol, but it would be nice to have a foot rub right about now :-) ah never mind lol

i'd just settle for the pain in the right joint of my jaw to disappear completely!

relief at last!

i secured a new job today. thank god!

what today means to me:

• i shouldn't have to ask for financial help from my parents any more
• i can afford to pay my mortgage and bills
• i don't have to think about selling my home
• i don't have to worry about dad pressuring me to sell my home to move in with them again or move to portugal
• i can do regular grocery shopping
• i can pay off my credit card
• i have flexibility to still have days off as required to deal with psychiatric appointments
• i will have the flexibility to work the hours that suit me - i.e. work 3x12 hour days each week if i want
• i can think about giving my poor truck a decent service
• i can get the lawn mowers fixed!
• i can thence cut the grass!!
• i can pay rates
• i can pay bills
• i can buy fruit and veg regularly to have my nutribullet everyday!
• i can be free of the pressure i placed on myself constantly to make ends meet each week

most of all - i got what i believe i deserved.

the last 2 and a half years have been tough, really tough, but as earlier bloggered, i fight the good fight.

i fought damn hard to do whatever i could to keep my home, my chooks, my space, my sanity, my psychological stability.

i think i finally, finally have the pay off coming to me now.

i've been praying for this for so long.

let it be now. i deserve this. i deserve to be free of the pain of instability.

i worked damn, damn hard.

and now i finally have been given the opportunity i deserve to make my life better for myself once again.

i could almost cry from the relief i am feeling right now.

it got to a stage, fairly often, that i wondered what the hell i was doing and whether it was worth the pressure, the pain, the hard work and the little return. whether i should've just given up long ago.

i got my answer today: it was worth it. and no i should never give up.

may the future begin on monday and bring me the riches of self-sustainability. i believe i've earned the right.