lazy.

note to self - don't compare hospital stories, you'll only end up feeling incredibly ill and almost passing out..... almost...

meanwhile it's another lazy day on this long weekend...

due to get paid today, fingers crossed it comes through before 5.30 so i can go stock up on meds before the chemist shuts otherwise i'll have to goto a foreign chemist during the week after work one night to get the script filled lol

damn the roast potatoes were so good last night i'm gonna have some more tonight with dinner i think... got em, so might as well eat em!

i'm so lazy that i couldn't even be bothered lighting the fire, so the gas central heating is on this time...

the rains have arrived a few times again today... i let the girls out for a run about and got to see them in action as the rain turned up and they ran home to hide under cover until it passed so they could come out and roam the yard again - cute things they are...

sorta looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, been a bit boring at home - i mean it's great to have a few days off, but when it's bad weather for the whole time, there's only so much i can do indoors...

feeling a bit on the tired side so maybe think about starting on dinner soon, so if i'm that knackered i can just hit the bed early and have a good sleep before my early rise in the morning back to work.... 5am at caro springs is a good hour though, makes waking up at 3.30-3.45am not so bad... and i get to listen to the daggy radio serial at 4.30am when i'm on the road lol gives me a good giggle....

so last week i made my hit prediction of scoring 2 jobs, and we did.... i'll see what my telepatheticness can suss out for this week.... just have to wait for 'that feeling' to see what we might be able to score.......

ok off to check my bank balance again then crank the oven for roast spuddies mmmmm

sunday dreaming by the fire

used up the last chunk of pumpkin for another slow cooked soup

i really should've taken something else out of the freezer to make something for dinner... at this stage it looks to be pumpkin soup and maybe something with potatoes...

i think today i'm worrying about money again, lack of... i really hope i can help to get the business going enough so it can help me earn some more money regularly and be self sufficient... i know i constantly go on and on and on and on and on about it, but it's important to me to stay afloat and keep my home, and keep the chookies fed and happy.... and keep me fed and happy also lol

ideally, i really want enough money to take a week off and go hang out with my tassie daddy bear again, he lives on such a beautiful property with his partner and i would love to go and chill out down there again...

the rain has been on and off but fairly steady drops when it does happen.....

i've been pretty much on the floor in front of the fire since i got out of bed today...

will have to go put the chookies back home again for the night and put the bins out when the rain next stops for a moment.....

i'm feeling very lazy at the moment which in turn makes me feel a bit bad cause i feel useless... i always forget that sometimes being lazy and doing nothing important is important in itself as it helps to rest my body from all the work and activity i do in my daily life.... namely early rises for work....

really not sure what i want these days..... or maybe that's just the flavour of the day....

the bigger picture.......

i really love my wood heater..... almost as much as i love food - almost.....

thinking about what to do with a chooky breast, pumpkin and potatoes.... maybe roast the veg.... and then something with the chicken... maybe marinade it..... maybe not....

i had it in my head today that i was going to type for quite some time this afternoon on this thing, but some of it has escaped me... most of it....

my short term memory is again taking a bit of a hit... so whilst i'm looking forward to the prospect of getting of these anti depressants completely, i am worried that my short term memory might go back to the way it was before i started on them, which means i wasn't trying to block something out, i was just getting bad short term memory... i dunno...

i'd so love for it to snow here this weekend. it's a cold weekend to begin with, but just don't know if it's quite cold enough for it to snow - i just want it to snow when i am at home, not when i'm at work cause it's a fair hike to come home just to see the snow, especially when i car pool half the way lol

i worked a day at site in melton on monday, helped install glass - double glazed units between 60-80kgs each..... hard work but i enjoyed it for the fact it gave me some more experience working on site... bit of variance in my job.

i've been thinking for a few weeks now that i'm getting a bit of silent treatment from someone on facebook... i probably shouldn't make a big deal about it... it's just a niggle at the back of my mind... facebook, at the end of the day, isn't life through and through, so if i'm feeling it, just deal with it, remove the potential problem and not have to worry any more... we'll see...

i want to have a nap, but i don't want to waste the day sleeping, but then i'm not doing much else.... and then i think about sleeping in front of the fire tonight, but then what if i don't sleep well and i am exhausted on my day off..... then i'll go back to work next week feeling worse....

and another bloody fricken cut/ulcer thing in my mouth today, i'm really having the worst luck with my mouth since i got back from portugal, a cut or a graze in there each week! i'm over it!!

i'm being very careful at the moment with my love life, or lack thereof, given that i'm working with less people around me... i've probably talked about this on here before but i'm doing it again so it reiterates in my brain that i do NOT need a relationship.... nor should i want one... if i'm feeling lonely, then i should call upon existing friends to catch up for drinks, or dinner, or even visit neighbour sharon at the shop.... a relationship is going to over fill the void and that's the reason i should avoid them

i've had a few new nice people chatting to me this week online, but i've always got this other thing at the back of my mind (back of my mind seems to be ever increasing in size...), that they're just trying to say the right things just to get a chance to meet me.... and then try to bed me... but it's not going to happen, most likely on either counts... so i second guess the things i write to them in case they stitch me up for leading them on.... but i suppose it is clear in my profile that i'm not looking for a relationship. and i do throw around some quotes to make sure they are reminded that it's not what i want.

yesterday was 3 months to go until my birthday... might make it a non event this year.... unless swannies get in grand final, then it'll be another big stressful day until the final siren has sounded...... damn me for being born at the end of september when these major sporting things are on lol

jon's turning 50 next week. have to think up a good present.... have to have money for a good present to start with lol i have 3 bills in line waiting for money to be thrown at them as soon as i get paid this week...

and now that it's tax time i'm hoping that i can get a decent refund to put the credit card back to a reasonable level, namely $0 owing lol then i have a better chance at getting ahead on things financially..... and only a few months left until this god awful fixed rate ends so i can save a bit of money on my weekly repayments...

it's all part of the bigger picture plan.... just the daily happenings on keeping my clutches on my own home for that little bit longer :-)

sometimes i think i shouldn't be on any of those chat sites as i'm probably making them all think i'm leading them on as i'm not about to meet them instantaneously..... chats and chatters come and go, but i always sit and stay.....

the smiling brain.....

birthday lunch today at flanagan's in the marsh for nell's 88th birthday - such a lovely lady, her spirit gets younger and younger every time i see her! dirty mind, full of laughs, she just keeps on keeping on - good on her! be nice to go on a pokies trip again one day, see the lovely countryside of the murray river and surrounds and have a good laugh with a bunch of great older people

an hour until the train to the city for alex's farewell party in fitzroy...

going to really miss her, she's been like a sister to me over here (funny, given my sister's name is actually alex too lol), but i know we'll be friends always and that's a nice thought..... it'll give me another good excuse to get to adelaide, to see the latest happenings of the train and tram lines, and to see alex too...

the painter came this morning to finish the last coat of the inside of the front door - damn it looks good, i love the colours i chose for this place :-)

managed to get the fire going again after it burnt out overnight with just a few bits of kindling wood - love it when i can do that and not have to fuss about with setting up a new fire, use fire lighters etc

been a good weekend so far, more interesting dreams last night but i can't really remember them now...

washing is drying in front of the fire now after i gave it a bit of air outside on the line for a few hours this morning before heading out for lunch

so i made that orange cake and completely forgot about it until after people's desserts started coming out! so i was a bit embarrassed to bring it out at that point so i just gave the whole thing to nell after everyone left to head home and i said she could eat it all herself hehehe

the embers in the fire are a beautiful glow of reds and oranges.... maybe tonight i might pull out the single mattress and goto sleep watching the fire burn in front of my eyes..... i'll see how i feel when i get back depending on what time that actually is! just to watch the flames dance around the fire box in twirls and swirls, hiding behind logs then reappearing seconds later in a big lashing towards the roof of the box.....

i better stop otherwise i'll fall asleep now with laptop in lap *YAWN!* and miss the train to the city lol

but fire is one of those things that makes me stop in awe of it and just watch it.... bit like how i feel when i visit the tunnels in helensburgh and otford etc, just standing at the mouth of a tunnel and looking up at the roof of it and being amazed by it's size and as to how people could construct such a thing of construction beauty back in the late 1800's.....

i love buildings and structures - more so older buildings than the new whiz bang wanky architectural things these days..... but structures amaze me, new and old.... it makes my brain smile.....

dreams..... well one dream anyway...

owie i burnt my forearm tonight trying to put in some wood into the fire..... a scar for my collection lol

another busyish week at work this week...

matter of time before we score another couple of jobs... i'm hopeful that we can really start to push things along and make some good money - good money is always a good thing :-)

fire is going, winter is upon us and i'm loving it :-) just not enjoying that it's difficult to heat the office at work so it takes hours for me to warm up.... ah well... still better than a hot summer!

i'm very pleased with the orange cake, i'm glad jon text me to tell me that he agreed to me bringing it along for nell's birthday cake to lunch tomorrow - otherwise it would've been half eaten for lunch today!!

haven't seen her for a couple years now i think! been far too long but hopefully i can make it a regular occurrence :-) she's a lovely old lady, great fun, much younger in spirit than her late 80's age (can't remember exactly how old she'll be but i think it's 87 this year...)

had a wonderful dream this morning... was back in portugal in pisoes with the family... i was showing someone grandma's old house from the outside and then showing them the building next door where we stayed when we visited in april/may... then afterwards i was driving my sister and i to go visit my aunt and uncle have their house on the dam banks at parafita.... along the way there was this beautiful arched rail bridge over a low lying river, i stopped to take photos on my phone...

then the bloody home phone rang and woke me up LOL some silly woman trying to score donations for some kidney foundation thingo - not to mention she asked to speak to my ex boyfriend who hasn't lived here for almost 3 years LOL

ah never mind - that's what happens when you're having a nice dream :-)

onwards to day 2 of the 3 day weekend :-)

making some progress :-)

the sound of rain on the tin roof - i will never tire of that sound

working in a factory means i get to hear similar sounds if it rains at work too - like it did today a few times...

i had a good day today - i love having a day where i can do something at work that makes me realise that i am getting the hang of things on my own..... today it was doing a couple of material take offs.....

had a little bit of help from brent over the phone just to talk out loud about a proposed makeup of a couple of windows, just so i was sure i had the right parts in my brain before i went ahead to price them up...

and then at one point in the afternoon i had a *click* in my brain and i just instantly smiled and thought "i'm doing alright, and i'm enjoying my life right at this moment" - it doesn't happen very often, but when it does that, i bask in it...

brent's going to teach me to make some more frames tomorrow morning....

i got an email from masters today for the trade month specials, a big bag of cordless power tools for about 1600 bucks or so... i told brent about it and showed him the email - he suggested i should think about buying it for myself so i could have my own tools to help out in the factory and on site too - that was a really cool feeling :-) me being a fully fledged tradie dude.....

i can't afford it right now but maybe later down the track - although i liked the offer in the total tools catalogue that brent showed me - it had a bonus tradie's radio thing - as he said it "you could listen to 3aw on your own radio!" hehehehe

i almost made orange cake tonight cause i got home at an earlish hour.....

i'm taking friday off as brent's going away for the weekend with one of his kids who is in the scouts - maybe i'll do the cake on friday.....

geoff called tonight just as i was getting off the freeway, was nice to have a catch up chat with him, even though he was sounding sick (poor bugger)... the phone call left me feeling good that i have a great mate in him :-)

7.45pm..... rain still pitter patters down on the roof and my nose is getting cold... might go snuggle in bed with teddy......

past, present and future thoughts...

what do i want to talk about today?

it was a nice day weather-wise... nice crisp foggy morning and a still and sunny day

did a few things in the backyard today... rehung out all the bird netting to protect the veggies so i might be able to see the last carrot seedling through to a full size vegetable lol

my insides are still a bit funny... just the 'come down' from the sunday night proceedings... it's quite normal for me to feel this way after something like that

i remember going to tassie a couple years ago and meeting daddy dean and his partner ross, and when dean dropped me back at launie airport, i just about bawled my eyes out cause i didn't want to leave..... but after a few days i came good...

i think for me this time around it's just going to be the same thing, ride it out for a few days and then i'll be fine... back to work early in the morning should freshen me up a bit.....

i'm missing my old workmates too. i text vin on sunday night while i was still drinking alone at the pub, told him that i found a guy who looked like a twin brother of one of the guys in our team lol it was nice to have a quick banter with him on text messages - felt like i was still in the gang...

[insert video clip of 'fast forward' when magda played 'unbelievable stupidity' in the mini drama 'rampant stupidity' as she says "i dunno, i just, i dunno...." and walk back off the set]

just a blah kind of day really.

i think blah makes me wonder about things just that little bit more.

am i doing the right thing? am i headed in the right direction? am i hurting someone in the process?

i went to the doctor today to get my referral sorted out for the psychiatrist i saw last week as i wasn't aware i had to get a new one already... but then it sorta hit me that it's been a year since all the shit hit the fan and i just lost the plot completely and ended up in hospital late one night...

the doctor asked me whether i was starting to be more aware about things around me when they turned bad. i told him i was actually thinking about that the last few days.

i'm on much less dosage of medication than i was at the time that everything seemed to be a lost cause of my own and that i couldn't see any potential light at the end of the tunnel i had just entered the north portal of....

also talking about the fact that something had happened with geoff and tony yesterday morning sorta triggered thoughts in my head of what happened to me.

i suppose it gave me the opportunity to seize the feeling early on and see it for something different. just a memory, a replay of something that has happened but is now long gone to the past

the book on my shelf representing that story in my life has shrunk, but it's still there. it still entails the pain i felt, the madness i created around myself, the rage it inspired me to have, the bad wishes and horrid plans i had in my brain of what i wanted to do to take things into my own hands after how robbed of justice i felt at the time.

but it still is, indeed, just a book on my shelf now. one day it'll shrink down to a booklet... then a quick reference guide.... then a pamphlet.... then a postcard... if there's anything smaller than that (figuratively speaking), then it'll be that.

it just won't be gone. you can't erase what's happened. but i can deal with that a lot better than a year ago.

i continue to live in hope that everything will work out for me in the end. i'll get on top of my finances and will no longer be scared of losing my home. i'll have a decent job that i enjoy doing for many many years to come. i'll get a shed built on the slab in the backyard. i'll get a pergola built outside the side door and eat breakfast out there on sunny summer mornings. i'll get the shipping container and setup a dungeon in the backyard. i'll get back to europe and travel around alone and have a wonderful time. i'll buy a custom pair of leather chaps. i'll have no more serious illness or ailments until i'm well advanced in age.

and i'll have surrounded myself with a good close circle of friends and still have the balls in my hand to go and explore social life on a regular basis.

life is hard. but i'm used to that.

life is difficult. i'm used to that too.

nothing ever really goes to plan 100% through and through. i learned about that soon after starting my first job in aluminium windows back in 2010

but life marches on. and i just have to deal with it. and every now and then, i forget that i am used to doing that too.

i have a life and i'm just going to continue as best as i can with it, doing what i think i should at any given time. no one gets a heads up on what will happen (well, apart from ingrid, but i am careful about how much jon tells me from what she tells him about me), so i'll just continue flying it blind and just see where it all ends up.

not much choice really, now is there?! ;-)

what exactly IS love?

interesting question, huh?

no, i haven't fallen in love.

i just think that part of the reason why i was picked to be given an opportunity of life was to do with love.

my mission statement, if you will....

i think that my underlying goal in life was to (and is to) make as many people smile as i possibly can, and to show love to as many people as i possibly can.

i believe that being loved by me is like no other. it's much like anything i do in life - i give it my absolute everything. it's either all or nothing. do it right the first time (where possible) - that sorta jazz

but to love is not just to be in a loving relationship, married, sex, kids, whatever.

i find that the feeling of love is in it's sharing with kindred spirits.

i have had loving relationships, but i've also had (and still have some) loving friendships.

i guess i've always felt that if i could show love to someone, it might just make them want to do the same, not necessarily back to me, but at least to someone else.

i've been kicked in the guts and used/abused etc a fair few times. but i retain the knowledge that love can still exist in the world despite the shit that it might have surrounding it.

i had the opportunity to spend last night with someone who i've known for a few years but only had the chance to meet in person last night. it was something pretty special to me, just for the fact of how it made me feel. and i think it made me feel loved. not in a sexual way at all, but in a friendship sense - just someone who wanted to make me feel good just by existing there next to me, and nothing more.

i've found lately in the gay community that about 90% of guys looking for someone to hook up with would not be interested in just spending time with someone without there being some sort of sexual play. it's a bit sad cause it means the art of loving someone physically is quickly diminishing to being just a sexual act.

i think that's one of the reasons why i rarely reach out to make contact with many guys, is because i think, underneath it all, i don't necessarily want sex that much, i just want a friendly face to show me that they know how to connect on a level that makes me feel like i could be loved again.

a good romp is always fun, don't get me wrong - but for me, i think i'm starting to move on from that a bit.

maybe that means i'm ready for something serious, maybe not - i'm still leaning on the side of 'maybe not' (or absolutely not, as i put it at one stage during dinner with friends last night lol)

love is open to interpretation for what it means to you - but the key is to allow yourself to be open to loving or being loved and it's endless interpretations in your mind.

and i think that's what i've learned today.

almost forgot i had one of these bloggering things....

ah the fire is a-roaring once again.....

all the washing sits in front of it to dry off as it's been a beautiful overcast showery kinda day today

i'm going to be sociable tomorrow night... that's going to be interesting...

i think the last time i was sociable (by choice, by myself) was my 29th birthday when i booked a couple nights stay at the laird..... at which, upon arrival, parking around the corner, i was approached by a stranger who wanted to have sex with me.... and thence continued to proceed to the pub (no i did not have sex with him), at which point i was greeted by my mate marcas, who went from a big smile asking what i was getting up to, to a scared look on his face as he knew my ex was inside.... and then after checking in, and doing the obligatories with the ex, scurried upstairs to my room to hide out and quickly text my best friend to tell her what had happened in the previous 10 minutes lol

and then i donned the leathers and headed downstairs for salt n pepper night.... found my ex yet again, then quickly went into the back bar which has dress code for thursday night so i knew he couldn't come in...

bought myself a vodka then went and sat on my own for a while.... well until i was sure the ex was no longer there..... which meant i was inside until well after closing, lights came on, and i was the last one in there at 2am lol

not to mention the strange old (older.... nah just old...) man who was hovering around me all night trying to get my attention... i guess me pretending he wasn't there was not much of a hint for him to bugger off.... so came the awkward moment when i literally had to spell it out for him using my vocal chords after he asked if i needed a companion in my room for the night *groan*

happy birthday indeed.....

so let's hope tomorrow night is slightly of the opposite end of the scale... i'd like to have a good time, talk to people, not be so scared to interact, and most of all, be able to maintain some eye contact with anyone without freaking out about it like they might come up and knock me for 6

be nice to meet geoff, been wanting to meet him in person (and not just in passing whilst i followed my partner at the time...), he seems like a great guy and i like to make friends with great people.

i'd sorta like to do more of the events this week, but money and work are a bit of a hinderance...

there's always next year.... all things going well, i should be a bit more cashed up and might be able to have the week off like some others seem to do, to take part in the festivities.... i did enjoy doing the bear week/weekend thingo in brisbane a few years back.....

so the fire continues to roar and the oven continues to heat up.... going to roast some vegetables tonight, still got a massive chunk of pumpkin in the fridge, didn't want to make another soup just yet, and i have a bundle of spuds i can roast up too, maybe an onion too..... love roast vegies...

work's been busy, lots of quotes to push out, just need to pray to the construction gods that they give us some more work..... things are still a bit tight there, so i am taking tuesday off work to help reduce the amount of money the boss will pay me, but i can afford to take a hit for the greater good. i want this place to take off and be sustainable

the way i see it (as per karma chat the other day), if i am happy and willing to take a cut here and there, i'll get a good reward from it when the time is right for me....

jake came over to visit today on his way back from shepparton with his beautiful new puppy. he's massive, but still only a puppy

gorgeous temperament.... a big sook really hehehe

i get a bit jealous when someone i know gets a dog that has a lovely temperament, but then i remember why i don't have a dog. i'm not the best owner.... i work long hours now.... i don't want the hassle (cause it would be a hassle for someone like me who's used to self sufficient chookies) of having to worry about being home everyday to feed it and give it attention....

it's a bit like thinking about having another boyfriend, i guess..... having to constantly think of someone else, either consciously or unconsciously.... worried about what they think, having to maintain loads of contact, provide sexual pleasure at their request (cause i generally get disinterested with lots of sex, very quickly lol), worry about being home everyday to feed them and give them attention.... oh i'm overlapping.... lol

at the end of the day, i'm sure everything will fall into place and just be 'so'.

wouldn't have thought i had so much to say, but i guess since i don't have many people around me at work anymore, it just bottles up inside without me thinking about it or realising it.....

so bring on tomorrow... bring on a few vodkas, and let the world do what it pleases with me....

i figure that if i can deal with 2 weeks in portugal, dealing with a different language, and dealing with a lot of people who are really just strangers (for a lot of people in my family anyway, given the little time i've spent with them in my life), i should be able to suck it up and survive a few hours with a pub of bears and others, who all speak english lol

wait and see i guess!

oven's heated, i better get some vegies in there :-) tummy a-grumblin......

karma comes to those who bloody well deserve it.....!

karma really does happen.....

got told today that the ring leader of the boys club finally got the ass handed to him..... suck shit you scumbag piece of disgusting horrible sleazy filth.... you bloody deserve to be in the queue for centrelink after the crap you put people through.....

*and exhale*

one of my good online friends is coming to melbourne for 10 days soon and he asked what days i had free..... he asked me to tag along to one of the hibernationybeary thingowhatsits on sunday night... at first i did my usual *groan* thinking about what effort it would take to go there.... but he rang me up and said he didn't really know too many people either and would be happy for me to follow him around the pub....

i've always wanted to meet him in person properly (not just a passing hello not knowing who he was some years ago with a boyfriend of mine at the time).... and i did have an itch to want to be a bit more socially able after my trip to portugal (being able to fend for myself in another language).... so i bought a ticket and i'm going along to the fur party on sunday night.....

here's hoping i can just suck it up and deal with it cause then i might just have a good time instead of the usual - sitting in a corner trying to avoid eye contact with all and sundry....

had a good day off today, fell asleep on the couch last night then woke up at 1am, and took myself to bed..... woke up this morning about 10.30am or so... a damn good long sleep.....

back to work tomorrow, early rise and all that....

i have a desk now, so i can feel a bit more important that i have my own little space to do with as i please.....

i just want this to work out big time, it's a great opportunity to finally get my financials in order and get back to being in front of the 8 ball a bit..... i miss that.....

apart from that, not much else to report..... i don't think.....

oh my short term memory is a bit up shit creek again, but i can't remember if i've bloggered about it already or not.....

frustrating but i know what that's like.....

i'm yawning and it's 8pm so i must be ready for bed.....

zzzz...............