what do i want to talk about today?
it was a nice day weather-wise... nice crisp foggy morning and a still and sunny day
did a few things in the backyard today... rehung out all the bird netting to protect the veggies so i might be able to see the last carrot seedling through to a full size vegetable lol
my insides are still a bit funny... just the 'come down' from the sunday night proceedings... it's quite normal for me to feel this way after something like that
i remember going to tassie a couple years ago and meeting daddy dean and his partner ross, and when dean dropped me back at launie airport, i just about bawled my eyes out cause i didn't want to leave..... but after a few days i came good...
i think for me this time around it's just going to be the same thing, ride it out for a few days and then i'll be fine... back to work early in the morning should freshen me up a bit.....
i'm missing my old workmates too. i text vin on sunday night while i was still drinking alone at the pub, told him that i found a guy who looked like a twin brother of one of the guys in our team lol it was nice to have a quick banter with him on text messages - felt like i was still in the gang...
[insert video clip of 'fast forward' when magda played 'unbelievable stupidity' in the mini drama 'rampant stupidity' as she says "i dunno, i just, i dunno...." and walk back off the set]
just a blah kind of day really.
i think blah makes me wonder about things just that little bit more.
am i doing the right thing? am i headed in the right direction? am i hurting someone in the process?
i went to the doctor today to get my referral sorted out for the psychiatrist i saw last week as i wasn't aware i had to get a new one already... but then it sorta hit me that it's been a year since all the shit hit the fan and i just lost the plot completely and ended up in hospital late one night...
the doctor asked me whether i was starting to be more aware about things around me when they turned bad. i told him i was actually thinking about that the last few days.
i'm on much less dosage of medication than i was at the time that everything seemed to be a lost cause of my own and that i couldn't see any potential light at the end of the tunnel i had just entered the north portal of....
also talking about the fact that something had happened with geoff and tony yesterday morning sorta triggered thoughts in my head of what happened to me.
i suppose it gave me the opportunity to seize the feeling early on and see it for something different. just a memory, a replay of something that has happened but is now long gone to the past
the book on my shelf representing that story in my life has shrunk, but it's still there. it still entails the pain i felt, the madness i created around myself, the rage it inspired me to have, the bad wishes and horrid plans i had in my brain of what i wanted to do to take things into my own hands after how robbed of justice i felt at the time.
but it still is, indeed, just a book on my shelf now. one day it'll shrink down to a booklet... then a quick reference guide.... then a pamphlet.... then a postcard... if there's anything smaller than that (figuratively speaking), then it'll be that.
it just won't be gone. you can't erase what's happened. but i can deal with that a lot better than a year ago.
i continue to live in hope that everything will work out for me in the end. i'll get on top of my finances and will no longer be scared of losing my home. i'll have a decent job that i enjoy doing for many many years to come. i'll get a shed built on the slab in the backyard. i'll get a pergola built outside the side door and eat breakfast out there on sunny summer mornings. i'll get the shipping container and setup a dungeon in the backyard. i'll get back to europe and travel around alone and have a wonderful time. i'll buy a custom pair of leather chaps. i'll have no more serious illness or ailments until i'm well advanced in age.
and i'll have surrounded myself with a good close circle of friends and still have the balls in my hand to go and explore social life on a regular basis.
life is hard. but i'm used to that.
life is difficult. i'm used to that too.
nothing ever really goes to plan 100% through and through. i learned about that soon after starting my first job in aluminium windows back in 2010
but life marches on. and i just have to deal with it. and every now and then, i forget that i am used to doing that too.
i have a life and i'm just going to continue as best as i can with it, doing what i think i should at any given time. no one gets a heads up on what will happen (well, apart from ingrid, but i am careful about how much jon tells me from what she tells him about me), so i'll just continue flying it blind and just see where it all ends up.
not much choice really, now is there?! ;-)
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