"have you ever thought that life was not worth living?"
i've seen that question a few times pop up over the years...
and before you say it - no i'm not just being melodramatic about the slow cooker not being turned on until 3pm cause i forgot to turn it on at the powerpoint..... i was already on this train of thought about 5 minutes before i discovered the slow cooker was turned off still.....
i was considering, this afternoon, about what the point of life was.
get up in the morning, shower, work, eat dinner, bed, and weekends are get up in the morning, sometimes shower, eat, clean, light a fire, eat, clean and bed
interspersed with facebook entries, facebook games, dating websites and mobile app thingos, watching tv and paying bills...
the thing that i came up with was, what's the point of life if all i'm doing is sitting at home on weekends when i'm not spending long hard days at work to make money that disappears in mortgage, bills, expenses, food etc? is it really worth the effort? what's the point of life?
the thing that people need to realise when they ask the question "have you ever thought that life was not worth living?" is that by answering "yes" does not automatically mean that one wants to commit suicide.
i certainly don't - i don't like getting a needle in my arm for blood tests, anaesthesia etc, so what the hell would i be thinking to commit suicide, that would be like having a big needle, a really really big needle that hurts even more than it normally does! no thank you!
i think it just comes down to boredom. well for me it does.
yes i love my home, i love my chooks, i love my fire - there's lots of things i love about my life.
but when i'm bored - i get annoyed with life for being so boring - it really turns up like the flick of a switch.
which brings me to today.
another weekend sitting at home. admittedly i'm sick, or at least recovering from being sick.
maybe i've just been at home too much this week from having days off with sick.
maybe sick and me are being too good of friends.
rather - sick is getting the wrong impression from me, and i've never liked sick in the first place. but telling sick you don't like it and to go away cause it makes life boring, doesn't seem to do the trick.
instead, sick costs me more money by demanding drugs to wean itself off my body.
everything seems to come down to money.
i'd love to do things on the weekends or on days off from work. go for drives (diesel costs money), go shopping (shopping costs money), go on a weekend getaway (diesel costs money and trains/planes/boats cost money, and hotels cost money), develop more of my gardens (plants and dirt cost money - good dirt anyway), be sociable at the pub (transport and alcohol cost money)
so i best stick to the free things in life. light a fire, keep warm, write a blog, eat food (which costed money but i stretch out for as long as i possibly can), watch dvds (which were purchased when money issues were not an issue at all)
damn you, money and sick - you've got these friendships round the wrong way.
money should be my best friend and sick should be disappearing just as quickly as the money does at the moment!
and don't get me started on jaw. that's just a schizophrenic lunatic that i wish would stop giving me a hard time with it's split personalities.....
so yes, sometimes i do think life isn't worth living, but that's just a part of life itself! gotta deal with it, suck it up and get on with the rest of life......
Sunday, 27 July 2014
Wednesday, 23 July 2014
5 years on...
5 years ago at this point in time, i was asleep on a table, in richmond, in hospital, going through a pretty major operation... 2 hours in and 6 hours to go, pretty much...
i always remember since then, that no amount of preparation i had made in the month leading up to the day, could have prepared what aftermath i was in for.
i still remember clear as day, the radio coming on at 5.30am that morning, and 3aw breakfast boys were talking about the laird hotel, about what it is now, and what it might have been in previous lives.... and the old lady who rang up and sang the scottish song of 'the laird o cockpen', as it was originated from....
driving my truck to hospital with jon and alex, waiting in the main area, then being taken to a private consult room to do the official check-in with the nurse, stunning the nurse when she asked what procedure i was having as i rattled off "bi-maxillary osteotomy, septo rhino plasty and genioplasty" like it was reciting a nursery rhyme.....
then being wheeled in around midday, seeing a room, a bright bright room, shiny objects, about 8 staff i think, and then as i was started to get put under, that was the moment i started to freak out... and i started to cry, and the beautiful nurse who held my hand and patted it as she said "it's ok, you'll be alright, no one else in this town will be able to do this for you"..... and then the usual feeling as the anaesthetic starts to overcome your body - for me it always starts from the ends of my body (hands and feet), as it works it's way all over me and puts me into a great sleep.....
i still amaze myself when i see the pictures of how i looked afterwards, thanks to Sir neil who took a picture of me the morning after.... after the tubes were pulled from my neck...
i was very lucky to have neil close by as he was able to protect me from the bad nurse on the saturday morning before i checked out, 2 of them... 1 patronising skank and another tough bitch.....
i remember jon taking me for a walk down the corridor on the friday night, felt like it was the first time i was walking in my life, it was so hard to do. he took me down to a window and i remember looking out and commenting that i could see lights on at the mcg for whatever footy match was happening that night
i remember so much of that time and the following months during recovery... the bad things that happened, the good moments, the bad times, everything... how much it hurt. how all the soups i made were as thick as cake batter as i struggled to eat them lol
the usual pain when i tried so hard to laugh but couldn't even crack a smile without the immense pain of the muscles in my face...
the time when april came to visit for a few days in the september leading up to when my parents got back from portugal and i went up to sydney to pick them up..... when april would make me laugh as i was making odd noises to try and hack out the crap sitting in the small space between the plastic plate on the roof of my mouth and the roof itself lol i still think about that when i gargle and have to be careful i don't spit what i'm gargling from laughter of imagining april popping her head out from behind me to imitate the noises lol
and then on our flight to sydney, first one for the morning, me and april sitting directly in the same row as the horrible ex bf i had managed to get rid of a couple years earlier, she made sure i was on a window seat so she was able to protect me on one side lol
all the nightmares i had for a few months afterwards, recounting and reliving the operation, but knowing exactly what was going to happen and being awake for every second of it - which thence led me to waking up in copious amounts of sweat.....
my short term memory hasn't ever been the same since then, and i've also lost the muscle around my mouth/chin (which would otherwise have allowed me to pout my bottom lip), but they are minor casualties for the result of what i was trying to achieve.
i still think about it, most days, and i still thank god for every day that i have had afterwards, and i am so happy that i no longer have the blockages in my nose that i used to have, and no longer have the pain in my jaw that i used to get during the coldest of nights in winter when i would be paralytic from the pain.
it can still make me cry when i think about everything that happened when i tell people the tale of what i went through....
it still gives me mixed emotions about it all, how i wished it wasn't me that had to go through with it, but at the same time i would've rather have taken it on, over someone else having to live through it because i know what it's like...
i guess it makes me unique, in a way, for having experienced such a procedure.
in any case, a lot of my money and my parent's money went into fixing up my facial problems, and a lot of time was spent on the sidelines whilst i was recovering, and i still say now what i say the day that i left hospital, that this is single-handedly the one thing i would not wish on my worst enemy, and if i have to go through it again, i would rather be put down.....
at the end of the day, i love my smile because it represents so much more than just a happy emotion - it tells a story of a good 10-15 year period of my life.....
and i continue my recovery, each and every day that i wake up in the morning.
i always remember since then, that no amount of preparation i had made in the month leading up to the day, could have prepared what aftermath i was in for.
i still remember clear as day, the radio coming on at 5.30am that morning, and 3aw breakfast boys were talking about the laird hotel, about what it is now, and what it might have been in previous lives.... and the old lady who rang up and sang the scottish song of 'the laird o cockpen', as it was originated from....
driving my truck to hospital with jon and alex, waiting in the main area, then being taken to a private consult room to do the official check-in with the nurse, stunning the nurse when she asked what procedure i was having as i rattled off "bi-maxillary osteotomy, septo rhino plasty and genioplasty" like it was reciting a nursery rhyme.....
then being wheeled in around midday, seeing a room, a bright bright room, shiny objects, about 8 staff i think, and then as i was started to get put under, that was the moment i started to freak out... and i started to cry, and the beautiful nurse who held my hand and patted it as she said "it's ok, you'll be alright, no one else in this town will be able to do this for you"..... and then the usual feeling as the anaesthetic starts to overcome your body - for me it always starts from the ends of my body (hands and feet), as it works it's way all over me and puts me into a great sleep.....
i still amaze myself when i see the pictures of how i looked afterwards, thanks to Sir neil who took a picture of me the morning after.... after the tubes were pulled from my neck...
i was very lucky to have neil close by as he was able to protect me from the bad nurse on the saturday morning before i checked out, 2 of them... 1 patronising skank and another tough bitch.....
i remember jon taking me for a walk down the corridor on the friday night, felt like it was the first time i was walking in my life, it was so hard to do. he took me down to a window and i remember looking out and commenting that i could see lights on at the mcg for whatever footy match was happening that night
i remember so much of that time and the following months during recovery... the bad things that happened, the good moments, the bad times, everything... how much it hurt. how all the soups i made were as thick as cake batter as i struggled to eat them lol
the usual pain when i tried so hard to laugh but couldn't even crack a smile without the immense pain of the muscles in my face...
the time when april came to visit for a few days in the september leading up to when my parents got back from portugal and i went up to sydney to pick them up..... when april would make me laugh as i was making odd noises to try and hack out the crap sitting in the small space between the plastic plate on the roof of my mouth and the roof itself lol i still think about that when i gargle and have to be careful i don't spit what i'm gargling from laughter of imagining april popping her head out from behind me to imitate the noises lol
and then on our flight to sydney, first one for the morning, me and april sitting directly in the same row as the horrible ex bf i had managed to get rid of a couple years earlier, she made sure i was on a window seat so she was able to protect me on one side lol
all the nightmares i had for a few months afterwards, recounting and reliving the operation, but knowing exactly what was going to happen and being awake for every second of it - which thence led me to waking up in copious amounts of sweat.....
my short term memory hasn't ever been the same since then, and i've also lost the muscle around my mouth/chin (which would otherwise have allowed me to pout my bottom lip), but they are minor casualties for the result of what i was trying to achieve.
i still think about it, most days, and i still thank god for every day that i have had afterwards, and i am so happy that i no longer have the blockages in my nose that i used to have, and no longer have the pain in my jaw that i used to get during the coldest of nights in winter when i would be paralytic from the pain.
it can still make me cry when i think about everything that happened when i tell people the tale of what i went through....
it still gives me mixed emotions about it all, how i wished it wasn't me that had to go through with it, but at the same time i would've rather have taken it on, over someone else having to live through it because i know what it's like...
i guess it makes me unique, in a way, for having experienced such a procedure.
in any case, a lot of my money and my parent's money went into fixing up my facial problems, and a lot of time was spent on the sidelines whilst i was recovering, and i still say now what i say the day that i left hospital, that this is single-handedly the one thing i would not wish on my worst enemy, and if i have to go through it again, i would rather be put down.....
at the end of the day, i love my smile because it represents so much more than just a happy emotion - it tells a story of a good 10-15 year period of my life.....
and i continue my recovery, each and every day that i wake up in the morning.
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
sick. life. frasier. food.
i'm sick. yes it's official (for anyone who may not have known).
yes i'm making a big deal about it. considering i don't normally get sick with cold/flu in the winter, i think i'm allowed to.
that's one thing i'm at least grateful for - that it's not in the middle of a heatwave in summer, as it usually writes me off for months afterwards due to the hot weather and cold air conditioning at work......
i finished watching the golden girls this afternoon, i tried to finish it off last night but just couldn't hold out after about 9.30pm... i went to bed, woke up at 9am to take out my retainer (i'm not wearing my apnea splint until i get better as it just makes breathing that little bit more difficult), then went back to bed, eventually got out at about 12.30pm.... i was knackered and a half! body aching, nose stuffy, head blocked up, the usual stuff...
i got some night and day flu tablets from the chemist then came home and decided to put on a slow cooker meal - since it was late in the day already i put it on 'high' to see how cooking compares to when i usually select 'low' for the heating option...
it's smelling good so far anyhow - tomato and onion snags, and added carrot and potato to it as well... bulk it up a bit, and some chilli to help melt the crappers out of me...
back to work tomorrow, then thursday off to collect rhyon from the airport, visit the psychiatrist and do my tax return.....
it'll be 5 years tomorrow since i had my big operation.... i'm going to goto the pub for dinner tomorrow night with ballarat paul when he gets down here, hopefully they make a nice steak or something like that....
interesting to think about all the things that have happened since that day, but i won't worry about that for now, that's what the actual day is for hehehe
so it's nice to be at home to rest and recover a little bit from my sickness, but it's days like these that i wish there was a big leather daddy bear here to look after me and give me a hug every once in a while and tell me that everything's going to be ok...
instead i just try to do my usual, keep busy as i can - let the chookies out, they knew i was sick, they followed right beside me when i walked around the yard, they don't normally stay that close to me, so it was a nice feeling..... there was 1 egg for me to collect at least... i changed their water bottle with some fresh stuff.... watered the food/veg little plants on the front porch with some of the worm juice that andrew left - the bottle is cracked on one side so i decided i might as well use it otherwise it'll just start to get mouldy (-ier)...
i've got a feeling that he's moved back in with the other one, but it really shouldn't matter to me, cause it's nothing to do with me and it doesn't affect my day to day life, so if that's the case, then all the best to him, i just hope he's doing everything he wants for his own life, he's a good guy after all....
i started getting back into the nutri bullet on sunday, after i picked up a bit of fruit and veg from the supermarket.... it's been nice having that to drink again and makes me feel good that i am having it again... hopefully it helps to boost my immune levels a bit to fight off this illness quicker.....
so i'm really very much looking forward to starting to watch frasier again tonight... i love that show, probably one of my all time favourites.... there is no single character i love, i love them all, the regulars, the occasionals (bebe, bulldog, gil, noel etc) - i always tell people it's like family to me... i watched it from time to time whilst growing up and then more so when i moved to melbourne and remember watching the final episode when i was living in richmond in 2004... so it's always sorta been there... then i started collecting the dvd sets of each season to watch it from start to finish and now it's been a bit like a ritual for me - watching it once a year...
i love to watch it at this time of year, as i love the winter's cold, and it just goes hand in hand, when keeping warm in a cold winter, nothing feels as warm as the love you have for someone, something, family etc - so it gives me something to smile about, relate to, laugh with, cry with etc
i love my taste in tv shows.....
a bearded kelsey grammer in leather, now there's a naughty thought LOL
laughter is the best medicine apparently ;-)
yes i'm making a big deal about it. considering i don't normally get sick with cold/flu in the winter, i think i'm allowed to.
that's one thing i'm at least grateful for - that it's not in the middle of a heatwave in summer, as it usually writes me off for months afterwards due to the hot weather and cold air conditioning at work......
i finished watching the golden girls this afternoon, i tried to finish it off last night but just couldn't hold out after about 9.30pm... i went to bed, woke up at 9am to take out my retainer (i'm not wearing my apnea splint until i get better as it just makes breathing that little bit more difficult), then went back to bed, eventually got out at about 12.30pm.... i was knackered and a half! body aching, nose stuffy, head blocked up, the usual stuff...
i got some night and day flu tablets from the chemist then came home and decided to put on a slow cooker meal - since it was late in the day already i put it on 'high' to see how cooking compares to when i usually select 'low' for the heating option...
it's smelling good so far anyhow - tomato and onion snags, and added carrot and potato to it as well... bulk it up a bit, and some chilli to help melt the crappers out of me...
back to work tomorrow, then thursday off to collect rhyon from the airport, visit the psychiatrist and do my tax return.....
it'll be 5 years tomorrow since i had my big operation.... i'm going to goto the pub for dinner tomorrow night with ballarat paul when he gets down here, hopefully they make a nice steak or something like that....
interesting to think about all the things that have happened since that day, but i won't worry about that for now, that's what the actual day is for hehehe
so it's nice to be at home to rest and recover a little bit from my sickness, but it's days like these that i wish there was a big leather daddy bear here to look after me and give me a hug every once in a while and tell me that everything's going to be ok...
instead i just try to do my usual, keep busy as i can - let the chookies out, they knew i was sick, they followed right beside me when i walked around the yard, they don't normally stay that close to me, so it was a nice feeling..... there was 1 egg for me to collect at least... i changed their water bottle with some fresh stuff.... watered the food/veg little plants on the front porch with some of the worm juice that andrew left - the bottle is cracked on one side so i decided i might as well use it otherwise it'll just start to get mouldy (-ier)...
i've got a feeling that he's moved back in with the other one, but it really shouldn't matter to me, cause it's nothing to do with me and it doesn't affect my day to day life, so if that's the case, then all the best to him, i just hope he's doing everything he wants for his own life, he's a good guy after all....
i started getting back into the nutri bullet on sunday, after i picked up a bit of fruit and veg from the supermarket.... it's been nice having that to drink again and makes me feel good that i am having it again... hopefully it helps to boost my immune levels a bit to fight off this illness quicker.....
so i'm really very much looking forward to starting to watch frasier again tonight... i love that show, probably one of my all time favourites.... there is no single character i love, i love them all, the regulars, the occasionals (bebe, bulldog, gil, noel etc) - i always tell people it's like family to me... i watched it from time to time whilst growing up and then more so when i moved to melbourne and remember watching the final episode when i was living in richmond in 2004... so it's always sorta been there... then i started collecting the dvd sets of each season to watch it from start to finish and now it's been a bit like a ritual for me - watching it once a year...
i love to watch it at this time of year, as i love the winter's cold, and it just goes hand in hand, when keeping warm in a cold winter, nothing feels as warm as the love you have for someone, something, family etc - so it gives me something to smile about, relate to, laugh with, cry with etc
i love my taste in tv shows.....
a bearded kelsey grammer in leather, now there's a naughty thought LOL
laughter is the best medicine apparently ;-)
Friday, 18 July 2014
sad day...
what a horrible miserable day.
i'm still in a bit of shock about things... the plane that got shot down... it's just so difficult to absorb the fact that it's happened. how sad. very sad.
it's one of those moments in time when it makes you realise how precious life really is.
i've been doing a lot of sitting in silence this afternoon.
and then poor nicole, her dog passed away from probably eating rat poison by accident... so sad...
there is always the part of me trying to look on the positive/brighter side of things...
so i had the thought that maybe the dog was so upset to hear of the plane tragedy that maybe in some way, he sought for the poison so he could go and keep the 3 kids company who were killed in the accident, in the next life...
maybe i'm just being sick... i don't know...
alex is leaving for adelaide on sunday... going to have dinner with her tomorrow night to collect some of her things that she can't fit in her car so i can mind it for her and i'll ferry it over to her when i make a trip to adelaide one day... and i'll bring home some bags of rubbish since i filled her bin today with rubbish i picked up around her place before i mowed the lawns for her as best as i could in the wet conditions.....
that's going to be sad too... i'll miss her to bits.... but i'm sure i'll adjust to it....
i have yet another ulcer/rashy thing on my gum and tongue..... i'm really just not having a good time at the moment.....
i say prayers, every night, before i goto sleep, when i am alone... been doing it for years... i pray for myself, for my health and my future and give thanks for the day, no matter whether it was a good or bad day, just thanks that there was a day at all... and i pray for others too, to help them in their journey's throughout their lives, and beyond, into eternity...
tonight's will be filled with the days events, no doubt...
i better eat something...
i'm still in a bit of shock about things... the plane that got shot down... it's just so difficult to absorb the fact that it's happened. how sad. very sad.
it's one of those moments in time when it makes you realise how precious life really is.
i've been doing a lot of sitting in silence this afternoon.
and then poor nicole, her dog passed away from probably eating rat poison by accident... so sad...
there is always the part of me trying to look on the positive/brighter side of things...
so i had the thought that maybe the dog was so upset to hear of the plane tragedy that maybe in some way, he sought for the poison so he could go and keep the 3 kids company who were killed in the accident, in the next life...
maybe i'm just being sick... i don't know...
alex is leaving for adelaide on sunday... going to have dinner with her tomorrow night to collect some of her things that she can't fit in her car so i can mind it for her and i'll ferry it over to her when i make a trip to adelaide one day... and i'll bring home some bags of rubbish since i filled her bin today with rubbish i picked up around her place before i mowed the lawns for her as best as i could in the wet conditions.....
that's going to be sad too... i'll miss her to bits.... but i'm sure i'll adjust to it....
i have yet another ulcer/rashy thing on my gum and tongue..... i'm really just not having a good time at the moment.....
i say prayers, every night, before i goto sleep, when i am alone... been doing it for years... i pray for myself, for my health and my future and give thanks for the day, no matter whether it was a good or bad day, just thanks that there was a day at all... and i pray for others too, to help them in their journey's throughout their lives, and beyond, into eternity...
tonight's will be filled with the days events, no doubt...
i better eat something...
Friday, 11 July 2014
a brain release.......
i've had a very good productive day today. you know how much i love to keep busy!
let the chookers out, little bit of garden work, sorted out the pots on the front porch, cleaned the bird bath, chopped firewood and kindling, did the laundry, vaccuummmmeedd the house...
i tried to put up the hammock i got a couple months ago but i'm a bit scared to use it until these 2 chains dangling to nowhere are actually being used for something... i'll try to find instructions on the net somewhere...
i'm so happy that i had a good long sleep last night, about 11 hours without waking up once, if you don't mind! that was enough to give me the energy i needed to get all my chores sorted out...
oh - and fresh sheets on the bed!! yay!
i think i'm going out tomorrow night, catching up with Sir neil... haven't seen him for what seems like years, but i think realistically, it hasn't been quite that long.... although i do remember him at my 29th birthday in sunshine, so maybe it's between 1-2 years lol
and the melbourne leather men night is happening tomorrow night and he's going to make a rare appearance... so i should probably suck it up and try to be sociable again, even though i'm starting to feel like i want to hide away from everyone again... but that's probably a good reason to tag along, to try and not let myself get like that again...
i guess i still just find reasons to think of the differences i have compared to the other gays around me these days.... i guess i just base it on facebook posts i see... i dropped out of the bear selfies group and also the australian bear group (after about 5 days in it lol) cause it just seemed to be full of people i just couldn't relate to..... but i guess i see some other friend's posts and how political they get, and it just gets me down i think.... i've never been political, i certainly don't tow the standard gay line of wanting to support the marriage thing, nor do i have a problem with the current incumbent at parliament house..... but that stuff never really bothered or interested me i guess...
i do, however, enjoy and appreciate leather, so i really should make an effort to go out tomorrow night especially if neil will be there with me too..... just the debate of whether i drive or take the train.... oh what's that skip? the trains aren't running? just my luck... any time i organise myself to catch the train, a bus catches wind of it and turns up instead lol
i think dinner will be early tonight... the oven is already heating up at the moment so i can throw in the leftover pizza from last night.....
and then maybe think about lighting a fire for the night, if i have the energy... but i always get this way after cleaning the house "everything is so neat and tidy, i can't possibly light the fire cause it'll make a mess"
silly me.... i'll go light it soon i think... it's still early, and daylight, so there is plenty of time to warm the place up..... and then the washing might finish drying off so i can do the ironing in front of the tv so i can watch a movie brent gave me last week that i haven't watched yet.....
i think at the moment i feel like everyone wants a piece of me, whether it be in a good or bad way, and that's what is making me want to hide..... just a bit overwhelmed at the moment.....
but realistically, there's not that many people that want a piece of me - i guess it's just when i get that feeling that someone 'wants' me, then it instantly makes me feel a bit suffocated...
my neighbour, last weekend, told me that my ex called her around the time of my birthday last year, and pretty much he's still in love with me - awesome news..... not.....
some people need to understand space and time frames..... i've had one guy trying to catch up with me since we last caught up some months ago when he stopped by for a visit and we had takeaway dinner together to try out the new pizza place in the main street..... i think he makes me feel a bit suffocated the most at the moment.... it's not the fact that he's always trying to organise a catch up in person, but rather the fact that he only ever messages me about wanting to catch up in person.... i think that annoys me to a certain extent because it feels like he doesn't want to talk to me on a messaging system just about regular things, and that's when i have to think about putting a 'don't expect sex' tagline in my messages for when we do organise a catch up...
sex is nice, but it gets boring really quickly for me... so after making friends with someone, if i "go there" with them, then i might enjoy it, but it doesn't mean i necessarily want to do that every time...
ah i dunno...
and i'm worried that someone else is delivering mail at the moment cause i haven't received much in the last couple weeks, but that's probably more to do with the fact i'm HANGING to get my health insurance statement and income protection statement so i can do my tax and hopefully get some money back to put on the credit card, and then also find out what i need to do to pay my own tax since i'm a subbie....
ok my hands are cold, i should stop typing and start the fire up........
let the chookers out, little bit of garden work, sorted out the pots on the front porch, cleaned the bird bath, chopped firewood and kindling, did the laundry, vaccuummmmeedd the house...
i tried to put up the hammock i got a couple months ago but i'm a bit scared to use it until these 2 chains dangling to nowhere are actually being used for something... i'll try to find instructions on the net somewhere...
i'm so happy that i had a good long sleep last night, about 11 hours without waking up once, if you don't mind! that was enough to give me the energy i needed to get all my chores sorted out...
oh - and fresh sheets on the bed!! yay!
i think i'm going out tomorrow night, catching up with Sir neil... haven't seen him for what seems like years, but i think realistically, it hasn't been quite that long.... although i do remember him at my 29th birthday in sunshine, so maybe it's between 1-2 years lol
and the melbourne leather men night is happening tomorrow night and he's going to make a rare appearance... so i should probably suck it up and try to be sociable again, even though i'm starting to feel like i want to hide away from everyone again... but that's probably a good reason to tag along, to try and not let myself get like that again...
i guess i still just find reasons to think of the differences i have compared to the other gays around me these days.... i guess i just base it on facebook posts i see... i dropped out of the bear selfies group and also the australian bear group (after about 5 days in it lol) cause it just seemed to be full of people i just couldn't relate to..... but i guess i see some other friend's posts and how political they get, and it just gets me down i think.... i've never been political, i certainly don't tow the standard gay line of wanting to support the marriage thing, nor do i have a problem with the current incumbent at parliament house..... but that stuff never really bothered or interested me i guess...
i do, however, enjoy and appreciate leather, so i really should make an effort to go out tomorrow night especially if neil will be there with me too..... just the debate of whether i drive or take the train.... oh what's that skip? the trains aren't running? just my luck... any time i organise myself to catch the train, a bus catches wind of it and turns up instead lol
i think dinner will be early tonight... the oven is already heating up at the moment so i can throw in the leftover pizza from last night.....
and then maybe think about lighting a fire for the night, if i have the energy... but i always get this way after cleaning the house "everything is so neat and tidy, i can't possibly light the fire cause it'll make a mess"
silly me.... i'll go light it soon i think... it's still early, and daylight, so there is plenty of time to warm the place up..... and then the washing might finish drying off so i can do the ironing in front of the tv so i can watch a movie brent gave me last week that i haven't watched yet.....
i think at the moment i feel like everyone wants a piece of me, whether it be in a good or bad way, and that's what is making me want to hide..... just a bit overwhelmed at the moment.....
but realistically, there's not that many people that want a piece of me - i guess it's just when i get that feeling that someone 'wants' me, then it instantly makes me feel a bit suffocated...
my neighbour, last weekend, told me that my ex called her around the time of my birthday last year, and pretty much he's still in love with me - awesome news..... not.....
some people need to understand space and time frames..... i've had one guy trying to catch up with me since we last caught up some months ago when he stopped by for a visit and we had takeaway dinner together to try out the new pizza place in the main street..... i think he makes me feel a bit suffocated the most at the moment.... it's not the fact that he's always trying to organise a catch up in person, but rather the fact that he only ever messages me about wanting to catch up in person.... i think that annoys me to a certain extent because it feels like he doesn't want to talk to me on a messaging system just about regular things, and that's when i have to think about putting a 'don't expect sex' tagline in my messages for when we do organise a catch up...
sex is nice, but it gets boring really quickly for me... so after making friends with someone, if i "go there" with them, then i might enjoy it, but it doesn't mean i necessarily want to do that every time...
ah i dunno...
and i'm worried that someone else is delivering mail at the moment cause i haven't received much in the last couple weeks, but that's probably more to do with the fact i'm HANGING to get my health insurance statement and income protection statement so i can do my tax and hopefully get some money back to put on the credit card, and then also find out what i need to do to pay my own tax since i'm a subbie....
ok my hands are cold, i should stop typing and start the fire up........
Monday, 7 July 2014
In the suburban bushland
Sitting in the work ute in Eltham. Brent's doing a measure for a customer.
It's a very very quiet part of the world. Bit of a bushfire trap though. Massive trees all around the residential area.
Flat day at work. Couldn't get my brain to work properly. Maybe the vodka shot is still knocking be around hehehe
Looking forward to dinner with melton Paul on the way home tonight. Cafe kebab mmmmm
Try and get the work website happening a bit more.....
*yawn*
Looking forward to bed too.... As always.....
Sunday, 6 July 2014
a great saturday and happy birthday jon!
another sunday afternoon sitting on the floor by the fire...
wow i had the best day yesterday. i sang for hours in the truck, i got to see geelong for a short moment to pickup jon's birthday present from the footy club, i got to alex's place to pull apart her bed and collect a bookshelf, bbq and exercise bike, and then topped the night off with jon's birthday party at little river pub.
got to see a few people i hadn't seen in quite some time, a couple of them i hadn't seen for a few years!
it was so much fun, lots of laughing, the good sort of laughing where it was from the belly and your face started to hurt from so much laughing lol
jon loved the present we got him, the indigenous style GFC guernsey with "50" heat pressed number on the back. suits him down to the ground :-)
it was lovely catching up on things with tania, i think she was about to cry when i was telling her the stories of coming out to dad and our trip to grandma's 100th birthday party
was interesting and funny catching up with sandra 2, josh's dad's partner, gave her the story of the trip to portugal as well and she just couldn't get over the fact my grandmother turned 100. she was really lovely to me talking for almost an hour.... had to repeat a few things but i guess you can get a bit forgetful when you're pissed like she was hehehe
it was great to see tony and have a catch up with the latest on his plus one, or minus one as it appears to be now... poor bugger, but hopefully he will come back and visit one weekend and play another couple of game's of life on the wii, that's always a good laugh :-)
i had my first shot of vodka, tania wanted to have birthday shots with jon but since she was driving she gave me the shot to drink for her.... DAMN what a kick that was! i described the aftermath in my body akin to one of those strepsil commercials where they show the lozenge in the body lighting up every part of the body as it sank further down the chest - the vodka felt like it was doing that to me....
i was already feeling a bit overheated from the venue being warm and it was pretty much booked out with all the other tables prebooked from other gatherings etc - who would've thought in a pub that just seems to be in the middle of not-much-else?! - so having had the shot of vodka just made me want to take my shirt off cause i was getting hotter lol but i managed to keep my shirt on, rolled up my sleeves a bit more lol
by the time we got home it was about 1am - i went inside and turned on the central heater to let the chill dissipate a bit before hopping into bed..... woke up at 7am to take my splint out and have a drink of water, then went back to bed since it was still pretty dark outside.... i woke up later on and thought "oh gee i hope it's not 10am" thinking i'd like a decent morning so i don't feel like i've wasted the day - i look up and thought "well it's not 10am.... it's 11am" hehehe
so the fire is crackling away as it takes more pine and redwood into its' realm of heat so i might be able to get the washing dried up...... and play some games to relax for the afternoon :-)
wow i had the best day yesterday. i sang for hours in the truck, i got to see geelong for a short moment to pickup jon's birthday present from the footy club, i got to alex's place to pull apart her bed and collect a bookshelf, bbq and exercise bike, and then topped the night off with jon's birthday party at little river pub.
got to see a few people i hadn't seen in quite some time, a couple of them i hadn't seen for a few years!
it was so much fun, lots of laughing, the good sort of laughing where it was from the belly and your face started to hurt from so much laughing lol
jon loved the present we got him, the indigenous style GFC guernsey with "50" heat pressed number on the back. suits him down to the ground :-)
it was lovely catching up on things with tania, i think she was about to cry when i was telling her the stories of coming out to dad and our trip to grandma's 100th birthday party
was interesting and funny catching up with sandra 2, josh's dad's partner, gave her the story of the trip to portugal as well and she just couldn't get over the fact my grandmother turned 100. she was really lovely to me talking for almost an hour.... had to repeat a few things but i guess you can get a bit forgetful when you're pissed like she was hehehe
it was great to see tony and have a catch up with the latest on his plus one, or minus one as it appears to be now... poor bugger, but hopefully he will come back and visit one weekend and play another couple of game's of life on the wii, that's always a good laugh :-)
i had my first shot of vodka, tania wanted to have birthday shots with jon but since she was driving she gave me the shot to drink for her.... DAMN what a kick that was! i described the aftermath in my body akin to one of those strepsil commercials where they show the lozenge in the body lighting up every part of the body as it sank further down the chest - the vodka felt like it was doing that to me....
i was already feeling a bit overheated from the venue being warm and it was pretty much booked out with all the other tables prebooked from other gatherings etc - who would've thought in a pub that just seems to be in the middle of not-much-else?! - so having had the shot of vodka just made me want to take my shirt off cause i was getting hotter lol but i managed to keep my shirt on, rolled up my sleeves a bit more lol
by the time we got home it was about 1am - i went inside and turned on the central heater to let the chill dissipate a bit before hopping into bed..... woke up at 7am to take my splint out and have a drink of water, then went back to bed since it was still pretty dark outside.... i woke up later on and thought "oh gee i hope it's not 10am" thinking i'd like a decent morning so i don't feel like i've wasted the day - i look up and thought "well it's not 10am.... it's 11am" hehehe
so the fire is crackling away as it takes more pine and redwood into its' realm of heat so i might be able to get the washing dried up...... and play some games to relax for the afternoon :-)
Tuesday, 1 July 2014
The historical records which form a journal
Journal's are very interesting pieces of work.
They can be very useful to express things that one can find extremely difficult to express in verbal form.
They can thence be lethal at a later point in time.
I'm in bed.
Feeling quite odd.
So I open the bottom drawer of the bed side chest on my side of the bed (as opposed to teddy's side of the bed).
I pull out a journal.
I look at 4 pages that are folded so I can't see what's written.
I know the subject of the text, though.
I remember making sure it was folded in a way that the only way I could read anything in it was if I unfolded it.
I stare at it for 5 minutes and ponder. Do I open it. Do I leave it alone. ?.
Thankfully I left it alone.
I did however decide to have a flick through to see if any other pages were folded.
More than I thought there would've been.
So I open one and have a read. Boy I was messed up a few years ago lol unmedicated as well. Not that it made a difference to my writing style. More so interesting to see what I was writing about then as compared to now.
Started reading another page. Then stopped.
Put it back in the drawer.
At what point does a journal change from being a help to a hindrance?
And then is there a point in time even later that it reverts from hindrance to help again? Or just morph into another state altogether, like using it as comedy material or a good laugh at what crap you used to stress over?
And is it the same with blogs?
Probably.
But I'm less likely to flick through blogs like I could do with a journal as I've never been a fan of reading lots of things on a screen. Much prefer hard copy on paper.
Time will tell.
The short of it after this short lived experience is that I've hurt in the past. I'm likely to hurt again in the future. I know I've probably been hurting in some form, my whole life.
It's just the ever changing face of how I deal with things. Cause problems will always turn up. I just have to roll with the punches.
"And it's days like these, when I worry, that there's no one here to let me out"
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