5 years ago at this point in time, i was asleep on a table, in richmond, in hospital, going through a pretty major operation... 2 hours in and 6 hours to go, pretty much...
i always remember since then, that no amount of preparation i had made in the month leading up to the day, could have prepared what aftermath i was in for.
i still remember clear as day, the radio coming on at 5.30am that morning, and 3aw breakfast boys were talking about the laird hotel, about what it is now, and what it might have been in previous lives.... and the old lady who rang up and sang the scottish song of 'the laird o cockpen', as it was originated from....
driving my truck to hospital with jon and alex, waiting in the main area, then being taken to a private consult room to do the official check-in with the nurse, stunning the nurse when she asked what procedure i was having as i rattled off "bi-maxillary osteotomy, septo rhino plasty and genioplasty" like it was reciting a nursery rhyme.....
then being wheeled in around midday, seeing a room, a bright bright room, shiny objects, about 8 staff i think, and then as i was started to get put under, that was the moment i started to freak out... and i started to cry, and the beautiful nurse who held my hand and patted it as she said "it's ok, you'll be alright, no one else in this town will be able to do this for you"..... and then the usual feeling as the anaesthetic starts to overcome your body - for me it always starts from the ends of my body (hands and feet), as it works it's way all over me and puts me into a great sleep.....
i still amaze myself when i see the pictures of how i looked afterwards, thanks to Sir neil who took a picture of me the morning after.... after the tubes were pulled from my neck...
i was very lucky to have neil close by as he was able to protect me from the bad nurse on the saturday morning before i checked out, 2 of them... 1 patronising skank and another tough bitch.....
i remember jon taking me for a walk down the corridor on the friday night, felt like it was the first time i was walking in my life, it was so hard to do. he took me down to a window and i remember looking out and commenting that i could see lights on at the mcg for whatever footy match was happening that night
i remember so much of that time and the following months during recovery... the bad things that happened, the good moments, the bad times, everything... how much it hurt. how all the soups i made were as thick as cake batter as i struggled to eat them lol
the usual pain when i tried so hard to laugh but couldn't even crack a smile without the immense pain of the muscles in my face...
the time when april came to visit for a few days in the september leading up to when my parents got back from portugal and i went up to sydney to pick them up..... when april would make me laugh as i was making odd noises to try and hack out the crap sitting in the small space between the plastic plate on the roof of my mouth and the roof itself lol i still think about that when i gargle and have to be careful i don't spit what i'm gargling from laughter of imagining april popping her head out from behind me to imitate the noises lol
and then on our flight to sydney, first one for the morning, me and april sitting directly in the same row as the horrible ex bf i had managed to get rid of a couple years earlier, she made sure i was on a window seat so she was able to protect me on one side lol
all the nightmares i had for a few months afterwards, recounting and reliving the operation, but knowing exactly what was going to happen and being awake for every second of it - which thence led me to waking up in copious amounts of sweat.....
my short term memory hasn't ever been the same since then, and i've also lost the muscle around my mouth/chin (which would otherwise have allowed me to pout my bottom lip), but they are minor casualties for the result of what i was trying to achieve.
i still think about it, most days, and i still thank god for every day that i have had afterwards, and i am so happy that i no longer have the blockages in my nose that i used to have, and no longer have the pain in my jaw that i used to get during the coldest of nights in winter when i would be paralytic from the pain.
it can still make me cry when i think about everything that happened when i tell people the tale of what i went through....
it still gives me mixed emotions about it all, how i wished it wasn't me that had to go through with it, but at the same time i would've rather have taken it on, over someone else having to live through it because i know what it's like...
i guess it makes me unique, in a way, for having experienced such a procedure.
in any case, a lot of my money and my parent's money went into fixing up my facial problems, and a lot of time was spent on the sidelines whilst i was recovering, and i still say now what i say the day that i left hospital, that this is single-handedly the one thing i would not wish on my worst enemy, and if i have to go through it again, i would rather be put down.....
at the end of the day, i love my smile because it represents so much more than just a happy emotion - it tells a story of a good 10-15 year period of my life.....
and i continue my recovery, each and every day that i wake up in the morning.
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