pushing through the pain.....

it's been an odd day.

i had a good list of tasks to do today. i'm really happy that i managed to declutter the garage a bit and deconstruct andrew's shelving and wire racking.... i'll hopefully deliver that to him next weekend when he's moving into his new place... then i'll have another bit of rearranging...

it's just nice to not have to jump over so much stuff to get from the house to the truck lol i've inherited some large items in the last couple months...

and then i go around the water tank to find the concrete and nearby ground covered in water.... i press the reset button on the pump to see what would happen and it sprayed water into my eyes.... thanks a lot!

so then i got really quiet and annoyed.... and then i started to question why these things seem to be happening to me a lot...

i just want to make ends meet and not have to pay for repairs of things all the time... i've been putting off servicing the truck cause i know i'm probably going to have to get new fuel injectors again, no idea how much that'll cost, and i'm probably closer to needing new tyres..... and i need a new sink mixer for the kitchen sink.... and i'm sure water bill or council rates are due to turn up any minute....

it's just frustrating the crappers out of me cause i feel like i'm working so damn hard, as hard as i ever have been, and i'm still either stuck or going backwards. i'm sick of it.

is there a way to tap into my soul to find out who i majorly pissed off in a previous life so i can try to make amends for it, the karma is being very nasty to me and i don't know why.

i feel like a lot of my blogging is just whinging and whining about stuff that's not good, but i started blogging as a means to get it out of my system, so here it all is i guess.

i tried to cry. i thought that since my medication is being lowered again that i might be closer to being able to cry a bit easier, but no, it's still difficult to force it.

again it makes me think 'is life really worth living if it's this much trouble?'

my throat is feeling a little sore, but i'll see how i pull up in the morning, if it's still the same then i'll have to get the repeat filled from the antibiotics i had last week, my tonsil tissue might still be bad...

so i guess what i'm feeling, is defeated.

it makes me start to think whether i'm just not meant to be living here. but where would i go? what would i do?

i love my home so much, why won't it let me love it and love me back?

i just dunno any more. it's starting to really test my limits and i don't know whether it's worth the pain.