woof.....

so once again i have had the opportunity to feel loved.

it just always seems to make the day after a bit of a downfall. being alone again with my thoughts making my guts turn and churn and my heart ache.

i still don't believe it to mean that i want a relationship with anyone.

i love trying out new things, so the pup play scene was definitely something that interested me, by the way of wanting to learn more about it and try to understand it.

it's interesting to see pictures of yourself in a pup hood and other odds and ends and wonder if indeed that really is you.

not being able to look at my face meant i was able to observe other features of my body, i commented that my arms looked good and my back also looked alright.

but yet somehow i still don't find myself attractive, but i'm really not sure whether i should, or not. i always say that it's for others to comment and me to just deal with whatever they say about me.

one thing that was said at one stage, was something that i totally agreed with - "you have a beautiful nose".

it may seem a bit funny to some people to hear a comment like that, but for me, it almost made me cry, as it's the first time anyone has ever said that since the day i got the bandages off and additional supporting packs out of my nostrils after my operation, when i looked in the mirror and said it to myself "i have a beautiful nose" - after all the trauma and pain i went through, it's the least i could say lol

so where to from here? i have no idea. i've been offered an opportunity that i really am not sure about - well i really want to take the chance, desperately, as i feel as though time will just pass me by and the window will disappear, but at the same time, is it just part of the way i am feeling right now - that i'm alone and feel like i've lost something again?

all i know is that at the end of this year, my sister is moving further north compared to where she is now, and my parents are leaving the country after dad retires (which i estimate to be within the next 5 years).

so it makes me think about creating a family for myself. i already do have people in my life that i count as family already - but i think maybe it's also important to have a family in the other way of life that i would like to lead.

i still don't know.

i just appreciated the feeling of being loved, cared for, respected, commanded upon, listened to and appreciated. let's face it, who doesn't like those feelings? well, commanded upon might be a bit limited, but i do enjoy helping and serving others to please them as it gives me pleasure all the same.

how can i possibly know what the answer is unless i try things out for myself.

it's a bit like when i entered the leather competition in 2010. i was approached to enter. after the initial shock that anyone would consider me good enough to enter, i had to think about whether it was something i wanted to do.

on one hand, i was shitting my pants at the thought of being up on stage for all to see, and that scared me.

but on the other hand, i knew that if i was asked to enter, and didn't go through with it, i'd be kicking myself on the day wishing i had entered.

my garage is now emptier after delivering andrew's things this morning... i watered all the plants in the front and back yards... washing is done and dry and ready for ironing... all the meat i bought yesterday has been bagged and shoved into the big freezer....

if something feels comfortable, then maybe it's worth having a go.