the long weekend....

so another long weekend huh? nice one...

what can i say about it?

well a couple of things mainly.

i love april. she is truly one of the bestest friends in my world. i can talk to her about anything and everything. i can be completely open and honest with her from start to finish, and she'll always support me no matter what.

i loved that i was able to confide in her about a couple of big things that have come my way in recent months, and she was very supportive of everything. she voiced her concerns about things for me to be mindful of, but apart from that, she was genuinely happy for me.

i can always rely on her for that - i'm very lucky to be able to call her my friend.

on the other hand, visiting family is still a bit of a sore point for me. nothing against them at all, but even though dad wasn't there, i still came away from it feeling the same sense of sadness and bit of emptiness in my life.

watching my sister with her family interacting with everyone, mum going through old photo albums from her wedding with my cousins - it gave me the usual feeling of "this is all stuff that i can't relate to because my life is different from theirs".

i usually feel that way when it's christmas dinner on xmas eve - everyone with their own lives and me sitting on my own, really wishing i was able to share bits of my life that i am really very proud of, yet unable to say anything in attempts to avoid potential conflicts.

i'm not going to get married, i'm not going to have kids, i don't want to get married and i don't want to have kids. i am essentially a single unit, and probably always going to operate that way, i have a single income household so things do get tough from time to time, i don't have an ambition to climb ranks to earn a gazillion dollars (though the thought is quite nice) and be able to support a whole family.

i'm just me.

i'm gay. i won't be bringing anyone home to meet the family/parentals at any stage, let along christmas. i'm always going to be the one who drives far and wide to do what i think might be best for others first before what i believe i should do for myself.

i understand that part of myself - it's entrenched in me - i take after my mum - always looking after everyone around me first, always serving up plates of dinner to everyone else and make sure they are all eating before i serve myself and hesitate to sit at the table in case there was something else i had to do. i'm not ashamed of it - i'm a servant type - it's just what i do cause it comes naturally to me.

mum and dad are going to portugal at christmas time to minimise how much leave dad has to take off work, so essentially, the family christmas isn't happening this year.

given how it usually makes me feel, i'm pretty ok about that. but at the same time it's a bit sad too cause i know it's the start of things to come as my sister moves to qld next month, and my folks will move to portugal after dad retires.....

my cousin's have offered me to come spend christmas with them, which i might do - haven't spent christmas with their family since before they originally moved back to portugal in 2003...

but who knows what the future brings. i have to construct my family myself for when the time comes that everyone is too far away from each other to maintain regular contact in person...

i do have a few people i count as part of 'my family' so far, so that's a nice start.

but regardless of all that, i really did enjoy my time away - i got to listen to all of 'goodbye gwenovere' (the radio serial), couldn't believe how it finished!

also got to do a bunch of singing, which is always nice....

and got to spend time with my best friend, love her to bits

i really love and appreciate my life.

appreciating life for what it has to offer

hmm been a few days since i've done this....

had a bit of a flat day today, but i've picked myself up a bit this afternoon so that's nice :-)

the brain is an interesting tool....

it's gotta be the strongest part of the body. it controls everything that makes up your being.

as each day passes, mine seems to want to teach me something new.

this morning, it taught me that depression is an evil thing. well, not so much taught me that today, more so reminded me that whilst i'm in a much better place than i was a couple years ago, i can't let my guard down.

sometimes when i find myself in that dark hole, i forget to remind myself that it's not that big of a hole, maybe just a pothole... so i might trip over those once in a while, but i just gotta keep picking myself back up again and dusting myself off to proceed ahead with life as normal.

what my brain did teach me, though, is that i am a lot stronger than i give myself credit for... i don't often credit myself as being that strong, and i really should, because it might mean that it will build more confidence and strength within myself.

thus, being able to front up to those potholes of depression and beat the shit out of them if they try to trip me up (hmm, visuals of someone punching a pothole looks a bit odd.... never mind!)

i have some really great friendships around me, and i have to be careful that i don't lean on some too much, i don't want to push anyone away, that would just kill me - the older i get, the harder emotional pain seems to become.....

so i need to continually remind myself of the great things i have in my life.

• great friends
• great new friends
• great friend within myself (if i let myself go and do what i want without giving myself such a hard time)
• great music (well i think it is)
• great vocal chords for singing (i also think they are lol)
• a means of transport of my own
• 2 great chooks
• a nice big area to play outside my house in, gardens etc
• wonderful neighbour (you can't pray for ones like them, it's pure luck!)
• a great appreciation of food
• a wonderful appreciation for looking out for friends and looking after them
• a desire and drive for more out of my life (and am starting to get that and enjoy every possible moment of it)
• trains running past my back fence
• a hard mattress to sleep on
• a teddy bear to share the bed with and a big concrete grizzly bear to share my kitchen/dining room with

most importantly - i have a life to live. and as one who could never imagine dying, i should just embrace it just that little bit more and live it to the fullest. i am a very lucky boy.

and i thank myself for being who i am - cause there sure as hell ain't gonna be anyone else like me, i learned that from a young age.....

take me as i am, but i must remember to also take myself as i am, cause then i should be able to enjoy this journey even more...

speaking of which, i feel like a journey to the takeaway shop for dinner :)

then it's time to pack a bag and throw it into the truck for the road trip to canberra town tomorrow :-)

whoever gets to read this - thank you for listening, i love you for it.

nice weather today!

today is sunday.

it's 6 days until my birthday/grand final day.

sydney vs hawthorn - another week long stressful time for me no doubt lol be nice for sydney to win the flag this year as a special birthday treat for myself...

today was a slow day... sorted out the slow cooker for dinner about 9am this morning, so it's almost ready - threw in a cup of frozen peas and beans for the last half hour... and rice is currently cooking away in the microwave - 2 cups this time so there'll be plenty leftover for the leftover beef and mushroom ragout thing to put in the freezer...

the beef cubes was what i bought from the meat barn in warrnambool a few weeks ago and damn you can really tell the difference in quality from what you get at the supermarket - nowhere near as red in colour to start with!

and i don't think i'm gonna brown the meat before throwing it in the slow cooker any more either cause it just makes it tough afterwards, i just played with a bit of the beef in there just now and it was crumbling beautifully, so it'll be nice and soft and tender :-)

i remember after i broke up with my ex 2 years ago, the first sorta 'date' thing i had was with a bloke from warburton - he came over and i made slow cooker beef stroganoff - i'll never forget that night - the beef was PERFECTLY cooked, and tasted fantastic.

the company was lovely, he was a gamer - a boardgamer - i quite enjoy board games - we played this one called pandemic (i think) - was really interesting, i enjoyed it, especially when he told me it's better with more than 2 players cause it's difficult to win the game otherwise - and low and behold, we won the game between the both of us lol

so i found mail in my letterbox today lol i'm hoping it was just overlooked from friday, and not from the street with the same name in ballan but "street" instead of "court" - bloody useless council...

i got a few bank statements and a freebie gift i scored online from recon - little plastic wallet thingo with their logo on it and a condom in their brand of card sleeve that fit into the wallet - i think they are promoting the safer side of life i guess lol ah well, nice to get something for nothing and delivered to the letter box for a bit of excitement :-)

house is tidy, bills are paid, chooks are in order (still no eggs, bugger), bank statements reconciled, ironing complete

spent a couple hours around lunch time today on my bed watching some family guy then had a snooze for about an hour or so... then sat out in the backyard on the shed slab looking through the mail and absorbing the sunshine

i sorta felt a bit bored at times though... it's times like these, that i've probably bloggered about already in the past, that i think it might be nice to have a boyfriend to spend the time with - but that's then the exact reason (that hits me 3 seconds later) why i shouldn't be in a relationship - it would end up just being a 'fill in' position until i got sick of em and then want to break it off - bit like other bf's i've had in the past really....

what i really need, is to spend more time with friends

i had a lovely night out on friday in werribee for dinner (mexican, yummo! gimme chilli baby!) catching up with jon, grant, peter and their friend (who i can't remember what her name is at the moment, but she was very lovely) - i did start to freak out a little bit at one point when the restaurant was pretty much at capacity and got quite loud, but then i just remembered the help that Jyan gave me a few weeks ago with just taking a step back, taking a few deeps breaths and just focusing on enjoying the time with people i knew and enjoying the food.

peter is big on russ harris, so we had a great chat about him and the mechanisms he promotes with mindfulness and focusing on your life right now, to help with stressing less about what's out of our control. i should try and get a copy of his book again, or at least listen to the cd of his just to get my mind back on track again...

last night i had a great catch up with my good mate james - had a great time at the steakhouse, delicious food as always, and top service (also, as always) - love that place...... chatted about our respective recent trips to europe as we hadn't seen each other for months and months.... was nice to reflect on the good times i had over there and appreciate the experiences i had... no anxiety worries last night which was nice, i guess i'm used to going there and love talking about anything with james, he really makes me feel like i can talk about anything at all and he's always gonna be on my side... he helped me out lots last year when i was in my very very dark places, he would always give me a good hug and i know he shed a few tears for me at times too cause he could see how hard i was trying to make things work for myself but just felt bad that my wheels would just spin in the mud..... he's a good guy and has a lovely partner - they make a great couple and i love em heaps

so back to work tomorrow... i was getting a bit ahead of myself yesterday thinking "oh golly tomorrow is sunday then work on monday already" but i snapped myself out of it and just thought to myself "just deal with work when monday turns up, you're barely half way through the weekend yet!"

so 3 x 12 hour days is my target and then thursday off to centrelink for a catch up, hopefully the first and last for this time around, and then the weekend to catch up with friends, celebrate birthday and hopefully watch the swannies bring the flag home to sydney/south melbourne

go bloods!

everything's alright.....

i'm stuffed!

but i was able to put in an invoice for about 37 hours work this week.... that's gonna be a great big helper when it hits my bank account!

i'm already a bit excited just at the prospect of the bills i can pay LOL how sad is that?! :-)

telstra, council rates, gas, credit card and some income tax..... they're all gonna get money thrown at them! hey maybe even mr citylink might get some cash too so i don't keep hearing 50 beeps when i drive under a toll gate lol

i'm going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow morning... been a couple of months i think..... maybe about 6 weeks, since i've seen him last.... he's a lovely gentleman - especially for an indian bloke - he gives me warm and fuzzies just listening to him talk to me...

but i won't be pushing to get off my meds completely just yet... i'm still learning to deal with some things on the current dosage and i think if i jump off them at the moment i might go off the rails a bit...

especially not until things are a bit more under control in the financial dept... i think i can still continue my goal of getting off them by the end of the year - even if it means making an appointment on 31st december with my psychiatrist and being told that i can get off them that day - my goal would be achieved!

i've had a couple of stumbling blocks this week with my mindset, yesterday was a worry driving home, i just couldn't get out of the habit of shouting at other drivers in frustration... even talking to myself and telling myself to calm the fuck down and it's not worth it.... it didn't work...

then there was a bit of the ol' heart palpitations when i was at home, just getting worked up over nothing.....

i just keep thanking my stars that i have great people in my life who look out for me and try to help me out, just cause they care. at times when things get dark and i'm losing the grip on things, they are the ones i think of to make me smile again

even now as i'm typing, for a few minutes i was very very nervy and a bit anxious, to the point that i really didn't know whether it was anxiousness or just feeling a chill - but so long as i remember to take some deep breaths and remember that everything's ok and i'm safe at home, i calm down again...

hmm, maybe it really is the cold lol

was thinking about lighting the fire tonight, but i haven't got decent chunks to throw in to burn it for a while, just shitty bits of pine, so i'll leave it be, i don't want to wreck the flue kit.....

5.18pm and i've already had dinner and tidied up!

my eyes are a bit sore so i reckon it'll end up being an early night tonight - it was incredibly difficult to get up this morning, i really felt like i had 50kg weights in my arms and legs.....

but i got up, and pushed on, and i got through it, and earned myself a good early mark, and now it's the weekend.

so let the weekend begin!

trustworthiness.......

yes it may seem like i am whinging again, but that's what this blog is for - to extract what is in my brain and put it somewhere so i can sleep at night without holding onto the crap in my head...

i'm feeling a bit let down.

sorta not bothered by it at the same time... i guess that's why i'm feeling a bit *blah* right now...

i spoke with my mate this afternoon on the way home from work, i have hands free blueteeth in my truck so i wasn't doing anything victorianly illegal hehehe

i tried to call him earlier this afternoon to find out whether he still needed me to help him out tomorrow... he didn't answer so i just sent him a text message...

he called back and i discussed that i was aware that my new boss had been to visit him to discuss that i was going to be starting work with the new boss today, so wasn't sure if i was still needed to help out tomorrow with glass deliveries again like i did last thursday...

response = "no thank you, all the best to you!" in a very flat tone... i said i'd forward an invoice for the work i did last week and the reply was also quite short...

i guess i'm annoyed, i think i realise that he really doesn't trust me.

there's a bit of history with the old job and the new job, and i reckon my 'mate' is worried that i'm gonna reveal all his secrets to where i work now and that'll be his downfall... he's always worried that competitors are out to get him in some form...

it's not my problem - that he doesn't trust anyone.....

i don't have to deal with it any more though, so i think i'm also a bit relieved.

i would never intentionally try to harm anyone's attempts at making a life for themselves.

i would hope that others would also be the same towards me, but everyone is different.

i'm not a bad person, i've done nothing wrong.

i'm simply taking advantage of the opportunities brought to my attention, in an attempt to make life better for myself, cause no one else can do it for me. it's no one else's responsibility, really.

i just wanted to take the time to tap out the above so it will hopefully help me move forward and progress with this new position and do the best that i can for my new boss.

that's all.

sunday thoughts and feelings.......

sitting on the couch waiting for the last load of washing to finish up...

been a great day so far - the fact that i got to mow my lawns at LAST was enough of greatness :-) nothing can pull me down from here :-)

it was damn hard work, but it always is when it's the first for the season, and when you're not used to the lawn mower hehehe gav bear lent me his mower last night so i could attack it since my 2 mowers are rendered useless for the time being...

so it was a 3 hour session today, and the catch on the mower didn't catch as much as what i'm used to, but that's fine cause it meant i only emptied it out half a dozen times, as compared to the usual 12-15 times with my mower lol

i love fresh cut grass. the smell. the look. pride in one's home and garden.

so i'll fire up the bbq for dinner tonight, took out some chook fillety bits and a couple of snags, just shoved some instand soy bbq marinade on them all just to give it a bit of excitement....

i had a lovely evening with david last night who came up to visit for dinner.... went to the commercial hotel, for the first time - boy the bar was fairly rough around the edges (the crowd was anyway lol)

went next door to the bistro, the menu is fairly simple and short.... as compared to hudson's at the roundabout which has a bit more variety to choose from.... guess i'm just used to hudson's having been there quite a few times, nice food and great service, not usually as rowdy as the commercial was.....

so i struck it lucky at the bistro... my meal and entree was about 24 bucks and after paying with 40 cash, she ended up giving me about 38 bucks change LOL no idea how that worked but i only really thought about it later after dinner lol i know i should've said something, but i just felt it was a bit of luck for me for a change :-)

came back home afterwards then david went outside for a smoke and i joined him and we ended up just staring into the night sky for about 15 minutes, he was trying to find a couple of constellations, and i was just amazed at the beauty of the stars. i said it was almost like looking up at a ceiling that had little lights all over it - when you've been staring upwards at it for that long, it certainly made it feel that way...

i do forget to just look up sometimes... but there have been a few times late at night when i've gotten home from somewhere, work or the laird or something like that, and i've noticed the sky being completely clear of clouds, so i go park the truck and then just wander out into the backyard and sit and look up for a while admiring nature's light show..... one of the advantages of living a bit further out in the sticks i guess!

one day i'll remember and suck it up and setup the little telescope thing i have and start a bit of exploration for something different.... no shed on the slab yet (after almost 3 and a half years lol) so it's a perfect spot to have the scope setup on a good firm surface.....

start the new job tomorrow. as usual with any new job i've had, i'm not excited, i'm just ready for it.

hmmm my feet are a bit sore, along with most parts of my body lol, but it would be nice to have a foot rub right about now :-) ah never mind lol

i'd just settle for the pain in the right joint of my jaw to disappear completely!

relief at last!

i secured a new job today. thank god!

what today means to me:

• i shouldn't have to ask for financial help from my parents any more
• i can afford to pay my mortgage and bills
• i don't have to think about selling my home
• i don't have to worry about dad pressuring me to sell my home to move in with them again or move to portugal
• i can do regular grocery shopping
• i can pay off my credit card
• i have flexibility to still have days off as required to deal with psychiatric appointments
• i will have the flexibility to work the hours that suit me - i.e. work 3x12 hour days each week if i want
• i can think about giving my poor truck a decent service
• i can get the lawn mowers fixed!
• i can thence cut the grass!!
• i can pay rates
• i can pay bills
• i can buy fruit and veg regularly to have my nutribullet everyday!
• i can be free of the pressure i placed on myself constantly to make ends meet each week

most of all - i got what i believe i deserved.

the last 2 and a half years have been tough, really tough, but as earlier bloggered, i fight the good fight.

i fought damn hard to do whatever i could to keep my home, my chooks, my space, my sanity, my psychological stability.

i think i finally, finally have the pay off coming to me now.

i've been praying for this for so long.

let it be now. i deserve this. i deserve to be free of the pain of instability.

i worked damn, damn hard.

and now i finally have been given the opportunity i deserve to make my life better for myself once again.

i could almost cry from the relief i am feeling right now.

it got to a stage, fairly often, that i wondered what the hell i was doing and whether it was worth the pressure, the pain, the hard work and the little return. whether i should've just given up long ago.

i got my answer today: it was worth it. and no i should never give up.

may the future begin on monday and bring me the riches of self-sustainability. i believe i've earned the right.

i rock........!

today i was reminded why i rock, once again.

firstly, i am surrounded by great people who try to do their best to help me when i need it the most.

secondly, i got a set of shop drawings pretty much completed, barring a few details for the balustrade and confirming some glass types and sizes etc...

thirdly, i am tough. tougher than i would normally give myself credit for.

i've been remembering how tough you need to be to work in the construction industry in victoria (i can't speak for other states as to whether they are as corrupt as victoria or not).....

there's gangs, mafia, bikie gangs, corruption, psychotics, bullying - you name it - it's got it.

and then i remember one christmas time a couple years ago when i had been waiting about 3-4 months for payment of some work i did that year... and how the money owed to me would really make a big difference at that time (given my rego is due december 19th for a start lol).....

i parked across a driveway to the entrance of a factory so no one could get in or out with a vehicle, which meant no deliveries to the factory, and nothing leaving the factory to goto site...

i went upstairs to the offices and sat in the boss' chair and casually waited for him to arrive.....

it had been made known to me by someone else that this particular person could've afforded to pay me what he owed me if he wasn't busy throwing money at one of his mate's..... so that was my ace of spades that i hoped i would not have to use....

he arrived, i was waiting, he's a bit larger than me, and normally the temperament of a teddy, but obviously that wasn't going to last long lol

i asked for my money, he refused, went around in circles for a while, then i had to play my card that i knew he could afford to pay me.... he was not happy that i knew....

shouting and swearing ensued.... i had to dig my feet in or i'd never win it..... threats of police involvement towards me, threats to my safety etc.....

and then it led on to a bit of a physical altercation (i think the correct term is lol), almost came to punches, but i was concerned about damaging my face after all the money i pumped into getting it fixed in the first place...... so i turned my head away for the most part....

and then he had a good hold of me and started shoving me towards the door at the top of a staircase.... if it wasn't for one of the factory guys bolting up the stairs to break us up, i reckon i would've been in for a trip down the stairs, head first.....

so i went downstairs and moved my truck after further threats of calling police, and then i stood at the front door and said i wasn't leaving until i got paid..... while i was waiting, i was talking to the receptionist.... i apologised to her for what she saw upstairs.... i said to her that i figured he would be used to someone turning up demanding money given how many calls we used to get with threats of breaking legs for this guy not paying suppliers.....

then she said to me "allan, so many make those threats, but you're actually the first one that's turned up here and done it in person!" - so i felt a bit special lol

about half hour later, he came downstairs with a printed remittance of 90% payment of what i was owed..... 2 grand was better than getting into another scuffle.... we chatted and apologised to each other for what happened - he said "must've worked though cause you got your money"

and he was right.

i won my battle.

i took on the 'man' and i got what i deserved...

so it's times like that which remind me how strong i can be when i have to stick up for myself.

*waves fist in the air* don't cross me or else!!

nah seriously, i hope i never have to do anything like that ever again... but at least i know, that if it comes down to it, i can fight the good fight and win it as well.

and that's just another reason why i rock! :-)

thar she blows!

today's been a pretty windy day... once again i sit here at home wondering whether something is going to fly horizontally through my windows or if the fence will come down... i worry about these things because they have either happened, or have come close to happening.....

i think it was about 2 years ago when one section of the colorbond side fence came crashing down... i was cooking something for dinner at the time and the blinds were down and i heard this almighty calamity of crashing outside my window - wow that was something to shit my pants over.... almost....! opened the kitchen blind and there in front of me was a gaping hole in the fence looking directly into the neighbour's front yard!

so i rang sharon, and when she answered, i proceeded to confuse her a little bit "hey you know how we always talk about how we should've made an access door so it's quicker to visit each other and share food etc? well take a look out front cause we got what we wished for!"

another time late one night, the idiots who were building across the road had contractors that obviously didn't know how to keep things secure on site.... so about 4.30am or so this particular morning, i could hear something wobbling and scraping around in the street, so i leapt up out of bed and went straight to the window and peered behind the blind - there were sheets of tin, or something, that were being blown across the road and, with thanks to the strong northerlies, were headed straight for my front yard..... i stayed awake for a good half hour just watching these things head towards me just in case they came close enough to hit my house, or worse still, fly through my bedroom window to slice me in half, or more pieces! well it wasn't quite as dramatic as that, but at 4.30am in the morning and half asleep, it was quite an event! hehehe

so the wind continues to blow, something outside is sounding like it's trying to dislodge itself to go for a short flight into the backyard, and the flue from the wood fire sounds like it also wants to make with the crazies of the windy weather..... but i'm sure everything will be ok...

meanwhile, had some crazy town dreams last night, well crazy enough to wake me up with a bit of the old heart palpitations making a return visit!

for some 'security' measure, the neighbour had installed a rather huge/large statue of a dog, almost dingo-like in looks, just behind the side gate on my side of their house... it was a bit of a shock to look outside my kitchen window and see this, almost 4 metre tall, structure staring directly at me!

perhaps it was just some sort of reference to who i am, and am becoming?! who knows...

and then! i went into my ensuite and turned on the 4 heat lamps and 3 blew out.... then i turned out the exhaust fan thing but i turned it off again, though the fan continued to operate..... i don't know why it was freaking me out (in the dream), but i had a friend come over to check it out and they were just as freaked by it......

bloody dreams..... lol

i've not worn my apnea splint in a few days so maybe that's it, and it's certainly caused me to pass out to sleep on the couch today so i should wear it tonight to try and straighten things out...

meanwhile, brent called me this morning and offered me some work, couple of sets of shop drawings, to work on at home, so that was nice and will help to earn a little bit of extra money whilst i continue my search for full time employment again!

expansion of my horizons......

nice to be in the safety and comfort of my home once again...

it's been a very interesting couple of days out and about around town...

learning new things, experiencing new things, meeting new people, it was a bit overwhelming.... to the point of having an anxiety attack..... but i digress....

the thought of clown shoes and high heels, or high heeled clown shoes, never made me laugh quite as much.... but again i digress with another highlight of the last couple of days lol

even at my age, 3 weeks shy of 31, it's nice to feel as though i can learn something new and feel like i am growing. i love to learn, my brain gets a great big kick out of it and that's a wonderful feeling.

i've accepted the opportunity to be a pup, and i'm a bit excited at the thought of what i can learn and as to how much more it will benefit my everyday life, it's all in the aid of helping me be more of who i am, and learning to live inside my own skin and not care about what might be crossing the minds of others.

putting on a pup hood and getting pictures taken alongside the yarra river in full view of the city skyline late at night was awesome. being taught that people are not going to look at you oddly, as i might normally think they would, was comforting.

it's helping to disperse this great fear of strangers i still have after being verbally abused by a complete stranger in sims supermarket in werribee during my recovery time after my operation, whilst waiting in line with my trolley of shopping, and alone.

i went to a spa/sauna thingo on friday night - another great challenge i accepted... wow... i think i was very much pushing myself to a limit there, building of strangers, some stranger than others, wearing nothing but a towel, if at all..... avoiding eye contact like no tomorrow just in case someone either tried to jump me, or have a go at me.... not wearing glasses always helps cause it means most people's faces are just blurred anyway.... but i quite enjoying going between the pool and the spa whilst watching the big geelong/hawthorn match, so it wasn't all scary (apart from the resulting score of the match lol)

the next day i hit a point where i felt like i could've started to cry a bit, little bit out of anxiety of the overwhelmingness (if that's a word) of what i've achieved and experienced in a short time, but more so out of pride of looking backwards at my life over the best part of almost 11 years since moving out of home, so that was nice.

i've still got a ways to go - but has anyone really achieved fulfilment in their life and quit trying (apart from port adelaide's club song?) ?

i need a job, and i need a stable income, but i realise it will turn up in due course. until then i just gotta keep focussed on the bigger picture and remember the good times i am having cause there's no point stressing about what i haven't got and what might be possibly going on in other people's lives when i'm not around.

it's still hard to do, but i've got good people around me, and a few new great ones to add to my collection of people, who will help me out if they can.

this is me, and i'm happy about that.

i don't want to sell my house...

can someone just call me and offer me a good paying job now?

it doesn't really take all that long for job hunting to become a depressing experience.

dad called me last night cause mum told him i was starting to look for another job... he said that they would be happy to help me financially with everyday living expenses, but not really able to help with paying the mortgage. that's fair enough.

and then he started again with suggesting i should sell up from here and move back in to their place and do some courses/qual's in something i want to do....

selling up and moving back in with my parents isn't exactly going to spell out what the magically thing is that i actually want to do...

if i sell my home, then that's it, i would class that as 'giving up', admitting defeat, whatever negative connotation there could be, i would be thinking and feeling it.

all well and good for him to also advise that there are plenty of jobs in qld and n.t. but i don't think i could manage living in a warm/hot/humid climate all year round. i love the cold weather too much...

at least he didn't try to convince me to move to portugal... not yet anyway.....

i know he's just trying to help. but having that conversation really pushed me close to having an anxiety attack over the stress of everything.... i managed to steer clear of it though, thankfully.

i couldn't possibly live with my parents for longer than a week cause i would then have the feeling that i've given up on a whole half of my life, and would feel the same as if i had someone move in and rent the other room again... i just can't handle living with people....

i love my home... i don't want to sell it. i may not have the choice if i leave it longer... it's just all a bit too confusing thinking about all these things...

i just want stability. it's all i ever wanted. and a hug once in a while.

i would have applied for close to 20 jobs now in the last couple of days, 1 of them surely must be thinking about hiring me to do something...

*sigh*

job application for fun reading...

To whom it may concern,

I am writing in application of the Customer Service Officer (Home Builder) position, as advertised on the Seek website.

I believe I would be highly suited to this position as I have an extensive work history dealing with customers and suppliers in both construction and retail capacities.

Whilst working at G&B Aluminium, I was responsible for handling incoming customer enquiries via telephone and internet, assisting with general sales queries and processing of purchase orders. Constant liaison with suppliers was required to ensure timely delivery of materials (including glass and aluminium framing) to give our clients the confidence in knowing that their projects were being completed to their schedules, which would then in turn allow seamless transition to other trades to complete their works around our aluminium windows and doors.

As a trade sales associate with Masters Home Improvement, passion for customer service was the first priority in every customer contact. I was responsible for handling all enquiries relating to the doors, windows and timber mouldings area. I took it upon myself to learn about all aspects of this area to ensure that I was able to answer any question customers may have. During the first 6 months of store opening, I was instrumental in helping achieve sales targets by having one of the highest rating departments in the whole store. My reasoning for this is due to my passion for customer service, as customers have more confidence in purchasing a product if the person serving them has excellent product knowledge.

Negotiation and problem solving skills are required regularly for most of the roles I have worked in the past. It is important to ensure that you are meeting the needs of both the customer and share holders to be a successful business as this in turn will aid in the development of higher profits for the business.

Along with the above skills, I can bring a pleasant and happy persona which is easy to get along with, as well as impeccable attention to detail to ensure that all your projects will proceed smoothly with minimal to no errors.

I would like to take this time to thank you for considering my application for the above position and look forward to the prospect of working for you soon.

Please do not hesitate to contact me on a mobile number i'm not making public on my blog at any time to arrange an interview at your convenience.

Best regards,

Allan Fundo

overcome in the brain again.....

today was going to be different to how it turned out...

i really wanted to mow my lawns, desperately. it was the last of the great sunny days for almost a week so it was perfect mowing weather.

i tried wd40'ing the bits on my mower that jake told me to do, but the cable i think is completely snapped on the inside.

then i tried alex's mower again, playing with the spark plug, making sure it was secured, giving it a scrub between the points with sandpaper, like i've seen dad do in the past with sparks... that didn't work either...

then i felt an urge to want to kick it really hard, both of them, just out of frustration, but i knew that wouldn't fix the problem either.... i knew not to hurl the damn things across my yard cause it would damage them more and petrol flying everywhere is not a good thing either, especially on a sunny warmish day i imagine...

it wasn't a complete waste outside though, i watered/fertilised (or both) all the plants i could find, i'm still worried that a few of my casuarinas have died over the winter months...

the girls had a good wander around the house again today, still no eggs, that's 3 weeks since i got even 1 egg out of them...

brent text me to say i've been paid in full from my last 2 invoices... telstra, plumber and rates will have to be paid...

applied for another warehousing job this afternoon..

but all i can think is that i really wanted to mow my lawns and i couldn't do it, so all this energy i had ready to burn on mowing, didn't get used in full.... so now it feels like my breath is a bit short, and my brain is not having fun at all... i need more money.... cause now i have to fix a mower, or both of them depending on what it will cost to fix both of them...

and now the weather is turning grey and windy and i took out meat to do on the bbq again, but i've had a late lunch of a puff pastry pinwheel thingo... so i'm not terribly hungry right at the moment...

and all i think i really want is for someone to just hug me and pat me on my head and tell me that everything is going to be ok.

sugar daddies must be a myth. i've never come across one. i could sure as hell use one... just someone who is willing to get me out of the shit, or at least lower the shit-o-meter to a level further below my neck anyway...

make the shit stop now, please.

!

reassessments of current stock holdings.....

let's just take a step backwards and review, shall we?

where am i at? what i am doing? where am i headed?

• meds are half a 50mg tablet per day (good thing)
• i was up front and honest about my situation with brent so i advised i had to look for another job to afford to survive (good thing)
• he let me go at the end of the day (bad thing)
• sir jyan is being very nice to me (good thing)
• sir neil has offered to give me a load of soil for my birthday (great thing - can lead to opportunities of developing garden more)
• chickens are still here (wonderful thing)
• chickens haven't laid eggs for at least a fortnight (bad thing)
• i have a freezer full of food (great thing)
• applied for 4 casual jobs in warehousing today (good thing)
• brent hasn't paid me for last 2 weeks (indifferent thing - bad cause i need money, good cause money hasn't come in yet so when it does i can pay bills)
• weather is perfect (awesome thing)
• went out for dinner last night with a few friends to little river pub (great thing)
• kendall still loves me (not surprised thing, along with hilarious thing)

so more than half of my list involves good/positive things...

so as expected, i'm really not doing too badly considering everything that i could list out of my brain....

looking for work is hard work in itself. but it's not impossible. something will turn up eventually.

just hoping that the time frame of 'eventually' is less than 1 week lol

and i really would like to have a job that pays me enough that i don't have to ask for financial assistance each week..... that would be a nice thing... i'd like to progress with my life at home and do all the things around the house i would like....

• pergola to the concreted outdoor area
• shed on the lonely slab of concrete in the backyard
• finish off developing gardens and convert sleepered garden edging to stone/boulders etc
• possibly consider evaporative cooling or another reasonable method of cooling for summer heat
• service the truck (urgent)
• new lounge suite
• new dining suite
• proper bed for spare room
• shipping container for special activities.....
• finish fencing off the house so backyard is fully enclosed for chooks to spend more time outside without me worrying they will wander off too far away from home.....

it's all just a progression..... the first step is to get a job.... then next step is look forward to when my fixed rate ends so i can look at a cheaper interest rate to save money on repayments each week!

then from there i should be able to reassess things a bit more and maybe make another step forward... it would be nice to stop taking backward steps.....

woof.....

so once again i have had the opportunity to feel loved.

it just always seems to make the day after a bit of a downfall. being alone again with my thoughts making my guts turn and churn and my heart ache.

i still don't believe it to mean that i want a relationship with anyone.

i love trying out new things, so the pup play scene was definitely something that interested me, by the way of wanting to learn more about it and try to understand it.

it's interesting to see pictures of yourself in a pup hood and other odds and ends and wonder if indeed that really is you.

not being able to look at my face meant i was able to observe other features of my body, i commented that my arms looked good and my back also looked alright.

but yet somehow i still don't find myself attractive, but i'm really not sure whether i should, or not. i always say that it's for others to comment and me to just deal with whatever they say about me.

one thing that was said at one stage, was something that i totally agreed with - "you have a beautiful nose".

it may seem a bit funny to some people to hear a comment like that, but for me, it almost made me cry, as it's the first time anyone has ever said that since the day i got the bandages off and additional supporting packs out of my nostrils after my operation, when i looked in the mirror and said it to myself "i have a beautiful nose" - after all the trauma and pain i went through, it's the least i could say lol

so where to from here? i have no idea. i've been offered an opportunity that i really am not sure about - well i really want to take the chance, desperately, as i feel as though time will just pass me by and the window will disappear, but at the same time, is it just part of the way i am feeling right now - that i'm alone and feel like i've lost something again?

all i know is that at the end of this year, my sister is moving further north compared to where she is now, and my parents are leaving the country after dad retires (which i estimate to be within the next 5 years).

so it makes me think about creating a family for myself. i already do have people in my life that i count as family already - but i think maybe it's also important to have a family in the other way of life that i would like to lead.

i still don't know.

i just appreciated the feeling of being loved, cared for, respected, commanded upon, listened to and appreciated. let's face it, who doesn't like those feelings? well, commanded upon might be a bit limited, but i do enjoy helping and serving others to please them as it gives me pleasure all the same.

how can i possibly know what the answer is unless i try things out for myself.

it's a bit like when i entered the leather competition in 2010. i was approached to enter. after the initial shock that anyone would consider me good enough to enter, i had to think about whether it was something i wanted to do.

on one hand, i was shitting my pants at the thought of being up on stage for all to see, and that scared me.

but on the other hand, i knew that if i was asked to enter, and didn't go through with it, i'd be kicking myself on the day wishing i had entered.

my garage is now emptier after delivering andrew's things this morning... i watered all the plants in the front and back yards... washing is done and dry and ready for ironing... all the meat i bought yesterday has been bagged and shoved into the big freezer....

if something feels comfortable, then maybe it's worth having a go.

spring in the air, spring in my step

i've had a lovely day today. so far...

had a good sleep last night - wow that 14 hour day on wednesday really sucked it out of me..... i was ready to goto bed last night from about 6pm, but i pushed myself to stay up later cause i didn't want to be awake at 3am automatically lol

got a bit of gardening done today, pulled up some more celeriacs but they were mainly just roots and not much of the vegetable itself, so threw them into the compost...

i planted some leftover potatoes that i had in the pantry from what i grew the last time around, they had some shoots on them already, so threw them and the other little'ys out into the ground to see if they did anything since i wouldn't be able to eat them as they were.....

also planted some broadbeans from some of the pods i left to dry last year... threw them in a big patch in a bundle and will see what springs up.....

repotted the hydrangea's that i had bought after i got back from portugal, they needed something bigger to grow up in, so i used a couple of the flowering pots that were out the back in front of the veggie patch as they had plants that were pretty much dead in them.... the other couple got a good hair cut...

planted herbs from seed, parsley, basil and coriander, hopefully they all come up nicely cause i love to use them all....

there's a chook boob marinading at the moment for cooking up on the bbq for dinner... looking forward to that...

and then there's an orange poppy seed cake in the oven (packet mix, but it's still edible and still one of my favourite cakes hehehe)

the plumber came around and gave the diagnosis of my water pump, completely stuffed, cracked housing and everything..... so jarod, the hot plumber bear, came around and installed a new one whilst i was in the shower (had no idea they were coming back so quickly after kev had been to give his report....)

the chooks had a lovely day outside, spend a few hours just nestled under the trees in the paddock next door alongside the fence, in the sunshine, they were obviously loving the natural warmth after the frosty morning!

changed the bedsheets at long last - so tonight will be an even nicer night of sleep :-)

andrew is moving back to ballan tomorrow, he got himself a rental a few streets away from me, i'm very proud of how he is looking after himself so well.... i'll be able to deliver all his shelving and gardening bits and pieces to free up more space in the garage again.....

meanwhile i have to sort out whether the mower alex gave me is 2 or 4 stroke engine.... i tried looking up the model number online but not much luck yet... i'll give it a bit longer when the weather gets a bit warmer and the ground is dry enough for me to do a mow session.....

god i love these days when the air is still crisp and cold, but the sky is blue with no clouds to be seen and the sun is golden and yellow high up....... and the days are getting longer now too - it's just truly my favourite time of year.... reminds me of winter in canberra (the few times i've been there in winter), absolutely beautiful!

but poor april is suffering with her sciatic nerve problem... wish i was closer to help her out... i prayed for her last night... she doesn't deserve that sort of pain that is hindering so much of her normal everyday life and activities.... i hope she gets better otherwise i'm thinking about asking mum to go down and look after her for a few days until she gets the treatment she requires to feel better.......

all in all i think my reduction in meds is going well... i don't think i'm noticing too much of a difference.... i'm probably working too hard and too long hours to notice lol so long as it keeps going well enough that i can be off them by the end of this year, that's my goal :-)

damn that cake is smelling good...... 8 minutes to go then i can take it out, whip together the icing part and top it off... then there's a sweet treat for after dinners the next few nights :-)

as beautiful as the weather has been today, clear skies mean frosty cold nights, so maybe i should light a fire tonight..... been a little while since i've given it a run.....

keep smiling as much as i can when it's warranted........

pushing through the pain.....

it's been an odd day.

i had a good list of tasks to do today. i'm really happy that i managed to declutter the garage a bit and deconstruct andrew's shelving and wire racking.... i'll hopefully deliver that to him next weekend when he's moving into his new place... then i'll have another bit of rearranging...

it's just nice to not have to jump over so much stuff to get from the house to the truck lol i've inherited some large items in the last couple months...

and then i go around the water tank to find the concrete and nearby ground covered in water.... i press the reset button on the pump to see what would happen and it sprayed water into my eyes.... thanks a lot!

so then i got really quiet and annoyed.... and then i started to question why these things seem to be happening to me a lot...

i just want to make ends meet and not have to pay for repairs of things all the time... i've been putting off servicing the truck cause i know i'm probably going to have to get new fuel injectors again, no idea how much that'll cost, and i'm probably closer to needing new tyres..... and i need a new sink mixer for the kitchen sink.... and i'm sure water bill or council rates are due to turn up any minute....

it's just frustrating the crappers out of me cause i feel like i'm working so damn hard, as hard as i ever have been, and i'm still either stuck or going backwards. i'm sick of it.

is there a way to tap into my soul to find out who i majorly pissed off in a previous life so i can try to make amends for it, the karma is being very nasty to me and i don't know why.

i feel like a lot of my blogging is just whinging and whining about stuff that's not good, but i started blogging as a means to get it out of my system, so here it all is i guess.

i tried to cry. i thought that since my medication is being lowered again that i might be closer to being able to cry a bit easier, but no, it's still difficult to force it.

again it makes me think 'is life really worth living if it's this much trouble?'

my throat is feeling a little sore, but i'll see how i pull up in the morning, if it's still the same then i'll have to get the repeat filled from the antibiotics i had last week, my tonsil tissue might still be bad...

so i guess what i'm feeling, is defeated.

it makes me start to think whether i'm just not meant to be living here. but where would i go? what would i do?

i love my home so much, why won't it let me love it and love me back?

i just dunno any more. it's starting to really test my limits and i don't know whether it's worth the pain.

snow day!!!!!!

sitting by the fire, watching the colours of the sky change from blue with sunshine, to blue with grey clouds, then different shaded grey clouds as rains come and go..... what a truly magnificent winter's day!

i went to the psychiatrist this morning and had a nice catch up, he has given me the ok to commence coming off my medication, so i start with half a tablet per day from this afternoon! woo hoo!

then i went for a lap around nqr and stocked up on a heap of food and food related things for the usual cheapness, i love that shop :-)

and then i went for a trip to masters to visit paul and give him his gloves back that he left at my place last week... got to have a quick chat to a couple of the people there i used to work with...

and then the dream came true.....

it started to snow.... and boy did it snow!!! it was a steady fall and i stood in it for short intervals to let people take a photo of me since it showed up well against my black jacket since nothing was settling on the grounds yet....

and then it got heavier! it probably wasn't heavy enough to be classed as a blizzard, but i'm sure for ballarat standards, and my standards (given i've not seen snow in australia before), it was a blizzard :-)

bundles of the staff came outside to take videos and photos of the snow shower, it was just a magnificent sight to behold. watching everything change from their original colours, turn to white... watching the dark blue road side sign of 'masters' begin to form a white corner as the snow started to cover it up.... and watching my dirty white truck turn whiter than the day i picked it up from the showroom!

i was in heaven!

i went and danced over to amanda who was texting someone about the snow and put my head on her shoulder and said "it's snowing!" i was like a kid (for once in my life lol)

the snow was bringing the best out of everybody that was around us - people commenting how beautiful it looked and how it was cold enough to be snowing anyway hehehe there were smiles galore!

i am so lucky that i got to be there for it. to share it with some good friends i used to work with. and knowing that i finally can note down the date that i finally saw snow in australia!

here's hoping that there's more on the way! it's snowed a few showers here at home in ballan, but still not enough to settle on the ground and change everything to white.....

it was very amazing to see the freeway covered in white, and all the fields, as far as the eye could see, were white like scenes from a northern hemispherical christmas!

i loved every minute of it! and i want it to happen again!!!

it's like a cleansing of the soul, the snow covers over everything that once was, to become a clean white new sheet of the future!

damn what a great day! :-)

is life worth living?

"have you ever thought that life was not worth living?"

i've seen that question a few times pop up over the years...

and before you say it - no i'm not just being melodramatic about the slow cooker not being turned on until 3pm cause i forgot to turn it on at the powerpoint..... i was already on this train of thought about 5 minutes before i discovered the slow cooker was turned off still.....

i was considering, this afternoon, about what the point of life was.

get up in the morning, shower, work, eat dinner, bed, and weekends are get up in the morning, sometimes shower, eat, clean, light a fire, eat, clean and bed

interspersed with facebook entries, facebook games, dating websites and mobile app thingos, watching tv and paying bills...

the thing that i came up with was, what's the point of life if all i'm doing is sitting at home on weekends when i'm not spending long hard days at work to make money that disappears in mortgage, bills, expenses, food etc? is it really worth the effort? what's the point of life?

the thing that people need to realise when they ask the question "have you ever thought that life was not worth living?" is that by answering "yes" does not automatically mean that one wants to commit suicide.

i certainly don't - i don't like getting a needle in my arm for blood tests, anaesthesia etc, so what the hell would i be thinking to commit suicide, that would be like having a big needle, a really really big needle that hurts even more than it normally does! no thank you!

i think it just comes down to boredom. well for me it does.

yes i love my home, i love my chooks, i love my fire - there's lots of things i love about my life.

but when i'm bored - i get annoyed with life for being so boring - it really turns up like the flick of a switch.

which brings me to today.

another weekend sitting at home. admittedly i'm sick, or at least recovering from being sick.

maybe i've just been at home too much this week from having days off with sick.

maybe sick and me are being too good of friends.

rather - sick is getting the wrong impression from me, and i've never liked sick in the first place. but telling sick you don't like it and to go away cause it makes life boring, doesn't seem to do the trick.

instead, sick costs me more money by demanding drugs to wean itself off my body.

everything seems to come down to money.

i'd love to do things on the weekends or on days off from work. go for drives (diesel costs money), go shopping (shopping costs money), go on a weekend getaway (diesel costs money and trains/planes/boats cost money, and hotels cost money), develop more of my gardens (plants and dirt cost money - good dirt anyway), be sociable at the pub (transport and alcohol cost money)

so i best stick to the free things in life. light a fire, keep warm, write a blog, eat food (which costed money but i stretch out for as long as i possibly can), watch dvds (which were purchased when money issues were not an issue at all)

damn you, money and sick - you've got these friendships round the wrong way.

money should be my best friend and sick should be disappearing just as quickly as the money does at the moment!

and don't get me started on jaw. that's just a schizophrenic lunatic that i wish would stop giving me a hard time with it's split personalities.....

so yes, sometimes i do think life isn't worth living, but that's just a part of life itself! gotta deal with it, suck it up and get on with the rest of life......

5 years on...

5 years ago at this point in time, i was asleep on a table, in richmond, in hospital, going through a pretty major operation... 2 hours in and 6 hours to go, pretty much...

i always remember since then, that no amount of preparation i had made in the month leading up to the day, could have prepared what aftermath i was in for.

i still remember clear as day, the radio coming on at 5.30am that morning, and 3aw breakfast boys were talking about the laird hotel, about what it is now, and what it might have been in previous lives.... and the old lady who rang up and sang the scottish song of 'the laird o cockpen', as it was originated from....

driving my truck to hospital with jon and alex, waiting in the main area, then being taken to a private consult room to do the official check-in with the nurse, stunning the nurse when she asked what procedure i was having as i rattled off "bi-maxillary osteotomy, septo rhino plasty and genioplasty" like it was reciting a nursery rhyme.....

then being wheeled in around midday, seeing a room, a bright bright room, shiny objects, about 8 staff i think, and then as i was started to get put under, that was the moment i started to freak out... and i started to cry, and the beautiful nurse who held my hand and patted it as she said "it's ok, you'll be alright, no one else in this town will be able to do this for you"..... and then the usual feeling as the anaesthetic starts to overcome your body - for me it always starts from the ends of my body (hands and feet), as it works it's way all over me and puts me into a great sleep.....

i still amaze myself when i see the pictures of how i looked afterwards, thanks to Sir neil who took a picture of me the morning after.... after the tubes were pulled from my neck...

i was very lucky to have neil close by as he was able to protect me from the bad nurse on the saturday morning before i checked out, 2 of them... 1 patronising skank and another tough bitch.....

i remember jon taking me for a walk down the corridor on the friday night, felt like it was the first time i was walking in my life, it was so hard to do. he took me down to a window and i remember looking out and commenting that i could see lights on at the mcg for whatever footy match was happening that night

i remember so much of that time and the following months during recovery... the bad things that happened, the good moments, the bad times, everything... how much it hurt. how all the soups i made were as thick as cake batter as i struggled to eat them lol

the usual pain when i tried so hard to laugh but couldn't even crack a smile without the immense pain of the muscles in my face...

the time when april came to visit for a few days in the september leading up to when my parents got back from portugal and i went up to sydney to pick them up..... when april would make me laugh as i was making odd noises to try and hack out the crap sitting in the small space between the plastic plate on the roof of my mouth and the roof itself lol i still think about that when i gargle and have to be careful i don't spit what i'm gargling from laughter of imagining april popping her head out from behind me to imitate the noises lol

and then on our flight to sydney, first one for the morning, me and april sitting directly in the same row as the horrible ex bf i had managed to get rid of a couple years earlier, she made sure i was on a window seat so she was able to protect me on one side lol

all the nightmares i had for a few months afterwards, recounting and reliving the operation, but knowing exactly what was going to happen and being awake for every second of it - which thence led me to waking up in copious amounts of sweat.....

my short term memory hasn't ever been the same since then, and i've also lost the muscle around my mouth/chin (which would otherwise have allowed me to pout my bottom lip), but they are minor casualties for the result of what i was trying to achieve.

i still think about it, most days, and i still thank god for every day that i have had afterwards, and i am so happy that i no longer have the blockages in my nose that i used to have, and no longer have the pain in my jaw that i used to get during the coldest of nights in winter when i would be paralytic from the pain.

it can still make me cry when i think about everything that happened when i tell people the tale of what i went through....

it still gives me mixed emotions about it all, how i wished it wasn't me that had to go through with it, but at the same time i would've rather have taken it on, over someone else having to live through it because i know what it's like...

i guess it makes me unique, in a way, for having experienced such a procedure.

in any case, a lot of my money and my parent's money went into fixing up my facial problems, and a lot of time was spent on the sidelines whilst i was recovering, and i still say now what i say the day that i left hospital, that this is single-handedly the one thing i would not wish on my worst enemy, and if i have to go through it again, i would rather be put down.....

at the end of the day, i love my smile because it represents so much more than just a happy emotion - it tells a story of a good 10-15 year period of my life.....

and i continue my recovery, each and every day that i wake up in the morning.